Why New York is not in the midwest (or anywhere else)

5 reasons why I try not to leave New York that often....

1.  BEIJING, March. 7 -- Some U.S. lawmakers want to make sure the twinkle in your eye doesn't come from jewelry.
Repulsed by a body modification offered at a Dutch institute — where tiny metal hearts and half-moons are surgically embedded in the whites of the eye — one lawmaker has proposed banning the practice in Illinois.

-Come on. Are you telling me they have nothing better to do in the Illinois Senate than to control what you put in you own eye? Your tax dollars hard at work there folks....

2.Smelly Readers Banned From Calif. Library
SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. - A new county law aims to keep readers from reeking. Libraries in San Luis Obispo County have had their own rules banning offensive body odor since 1994, but the policy became law after the Board of Supervisors last month adopted an ordinance that lets authorities kick out malodorous guests.

- Though it's not in the constitution, I do believe that we the people have a right to reak, stink. emit noxious and otherwise repulsive odors without having our reading priveledges taken away. Granted, a truly foul smelling reader could put you off your double half caf soy latte....

3. DE PERE, Wis. (AP) - For most people, PEZ is just a candy. But Barry Umbs calls his addiction to collecting PEZ dispensers "a bit of an illness." Umbs, an engineering manager for Rockwell Automation in Milwaukee, joined some 60 other self-described "PEZheads" at a convention in De Pere on Saturday.

- What more can I say about this one ....

4. Man Threatens To Blow Up Store Over a Pen
Bonner Springs, KS -- Explosive threats lead to a man hunt in Bonner Springs. Police there say they are searching for the person that walked into a Thriftway Store located in the 100 block of Oak Sunday morning just after 8 a.m. Police say the suspect tried to get a pen for free. When he didn't succeed, he reportedly threatened to come back with dynamite and blow the store up. Police say the suspect then tried to run over the store manager in the parking lot. Nobody was hurt.

- Bonner Springs, KS - Population 6,768. How much of a man hunt could it be. He is probably at the local Staples fondling the Pilot Felt tips. Of course the local Staples is 6000 miles away ....

5. SCHAUMBURG, Ill. A six-year-old boy has been suspended from a Christian school in Illinois after his mother refused to spank him. That's according to the mother. Michelle Fallaw-Gabrielson says her son had been piling up disciplinary notes for such offenses as talking out of turn, chewing gum, and bringing toys to school.

- I saw this one on the news. I felt really bad for the kid because all he wanted was to go back to his school and be with his friends. His mother on the other hand was very pleased at the prospect of being on TV. She was sucking up every nano second of her 15 minutes of fame. Oh those crazy Christians ... I think she is about to send him to a Rastafarian school. Mostly because of the hair....

In New York we have our share of whackadoos, hoodlums, praranoid schizoprhenics and mallodorous malingerers. The difference between New York and everywhere else is that we don't make believe we like each other. We are annoyed by the annoying habits of everyone around us and they are equally annoyed by us. It is an equilibrum, a balance an "ego"system if you will, that has made New York the "city that never sleeps .... and is often cranky due to this lack of sleep" So come to NYC. We hate you but we'll take your money ... Oh yeah Kiss my .... oops!