Rest Stops – Feeding Pens for Sheep.

OK, this is going to sound like a rant but it’s not. It’s just an observation.

This past weekend I made a little jaunt down to Virginia to attend a birthday party for a friend of mine. Now, while the trip from Brooklyn to Northern VA is not a terribly long one (4 hours) it is also not just a spin around the block. So unless you own the Jetsons’ air car you are going to need to stop and get gas at some point. Well luckily, the State has thoughtfully provided for you. Rest Stops are conveniently placed every 15 to 20 miles for just that reason. Ah but there’s more.

Once you have stopped and gotten your gas, it usually seems like a good idea to go inside the rest stop and have a rest stop of your own (you know just in case). However, once you cross that threshold you are entering a world far removed from reality. Logic, reason and intelligence are deposited at the door. This is evidenced by the glazed looks and dull expressions that appear on the faces of the hundreds of thousands of staggering zombies who wander from Cinnabun to Starbucks to Roy Rogers shelling out thousands of dollars for food which back outside in the real world would most likely cause prison riots.

Exhibit #1 – Roy Rogers. The 2nd to last rung on the Fast Food ladder (only slightly less nauseating than White Castle). For a small fortune you can purchase over cooked fried chicken which has been sitting under a heat lamp since Roosevelt was president (That’s Teddy). For the mere price of a small car you can sample the culinary delight that is the Roy Rogers burger selection. A 1/4 pound (or so they say) of the highest quality saw dust with 2 (count em “2”) strips of cardboard painted up to look like bacon, all resting so ever lovingly on a bun which has been trod upon by the Oakland Raiders. If this isn’t gastronomic bliss I don’t know what is. But there’s more…

Exhibit #2 – Cinnabun. Does the world really need a coffee roll that can stop your heart by just looking at it? Don’t get me wrong they are very tasty. That is not where the problem lies. If you take a moment to just watch what goes on over there it becomes painfully clear that the clientele of Cinnabun consists mostly of people who should not be eating Cinnabuns. They should be eating Cinna-Celery or Cinna-Watercress. It was like feeding time at SeaWorld. Shamoo and all his relatives were there for the free eats. Don’t get me wrong, I am no skinny minny and I am working hard to lose weight. Hence I am not eating Cinnabuns. Don’t these people have mirrors in their homes? Aha … it’s the alternative universe that is the rest stop that makes these people crazy. Oh yeah and Cinnabun coffee is vile (no joke there, just a fact). But why buy coffee there when you have Starbucks right across the food court.

Exhibit #3 – Starbucks. I will admit it. I like Starbucks. Yes $4.00 for a large cup of what is basically water and beans is a little outrageous. But it is damn fine coffee. That is not the issue. The issue is, TOO MANY CHOICES FOR BRAIN DEAD CUSTOMERS. Latte, Cafe Au Lait, Venti. The zombies are not capable of making these kind of decisions once they cross into the alternative rest stop universe. Starbucks is to far over the heads of these people. We need to simplify the process here people (notice I didn’t say “dumb it down”). COFFEE or TEA.

Now I don’t want anyone to think that I am making disparaging remarks about everyone who travels and stops at the rest areas, because I am not. Many a long journey have I gave thanks for that shining oasis that is the rest stop. It is a necessary amenity. But so is an out house. It is amazing what people will put up with and accept when they are weary from the road. Now for some people, the services available at the rest stops may be an upgrade from what they are used to. To this I can only say, “How sad”. To everyone else, I have to say “Wake up … move away from the Cinnabun stand, I can hear your arteries clogging from over here. Try some carrots … or perhaps a nice fruit cup..."