Friday, April 14, 2006

The Madness of Snow and Canned Meats

You ever notice that the moment a snowflake falls from the sky, people lose their minds?

You would think they just got a bulletin over the radio "Aliens coming, you must stock up on Dinty Moore..."

They rush to the supemarket and buy more canned goods, milk and water than any one family could possibly consume in a month.

Snow happens people. It happens every year. Sometimes more, sometimes less but it always shows up some time between November and March. So why the big to do? Not too mention the fact that it goes away just as quickly, (assuming you live a reasonable distance from the equator) The Arctcic Circle not withstanding. So they rush around like headless chickens, preparing for this foreign matter that is falling from the sky. And how do they do this?

In a CAR ...

A heavy steel machine that quite often has a mind of its own. Even more so when the roads turn to freezing white sheets of slippery glass. This is just the time you want panicky people driving like mad to snatch up the last cans of SPAM and Hormel Chili that the Stop and Shop has on it's shelf. What a sad eulogy it would be if you wrapped you car around a tree on the way to make this all important culinary purchase ...

"Here lies Gern Blansten, he loved canned meats ...."

But it's never that simple. Because they never go alone. They want to take a couple of us with them. So they blow through red lights instead of trying to stop. Or worse they try to stop, but when you are going 50mph in a 12mph zone and you jam on the brakes with snow on the ground, the car does the exact opposite of what you intended. It speeds up. Fancy that.... Better to stay home, lock the doors and wait for the Spring ....

... Of course then you have the rainy season. Umbrella anyone? ....

I'm Talking to you Dummy.

Random Thoughts In The Wee Hours

I just finished watching the movie "Dummy" with Adrien Brody and Milla Jojovich. It was cute and amusing. I will not put on my filmmaker hat for this one. I will address this as regular person who knows very little about film.
Ventriloquists. What is up with them. Think about this for a second. You take a guy (or a gal, but lets say guy for the sake of argument), you take a guy, sit a block of wood on his lap and he basically talks to himself.

Now, (stay with me here, this is where it gets good) if this same person had, say a watermelon on his lap or perhaps a gravy boat, and started talking to it (and then making it talk back) you could assume with a modicum of accuracy that this person is a whack job and should be in a nice padded room where he can't do any harm to himself or the fine china. Swap out said gravy boat for a a block of wood with a mouth and we pay him to entertain small humans and old people.

Now here is the other interesting thing. I think ventriloquists tend to entertain the elderly and the very young for one simple reason. Neither of them can really run away. They are pretty much stuck there. No hope of escape. And you notice that niether the elderly nor the extremely young ever call up the local ventriloquist union hall (or wherever it is they congregate) and say "Hey, we need Mr. Phips and Sparky over here right away!" No, it's always some 36 year old activities director or a parent in their late twenties. Not to mention the fact that as soon as the Ventriloquist shows up, said Activities Director and Parents make a bee-line for the break room or the back deck (respectively). They don't actually hang around to watch the psychopathic behavior taking place in the common room/TV room. But there's more. While the psychopath talks to himself, inevitably a child will begin to cry hysterically (not because she is scared, but because of the sheer pity she feels for this poor soul talking to a potential hat stand or salad spoon). And then ultimately an elerly person will wet themselves. No reason, the elderly just do that.

So tell me. What is the fascination? I mean, you know the dummy isn't alive. You know it's not talking. So basically you are sitting there watching this guy (usually in a bad suit and bow tie) making jokes and laughing at them. All I can think of is the awful ventriloquist in "Broadway Danny Rose". Barney Dunn. And as Woody says, "When they can't get an animal act they call Barney". At least Barney Dunn was funny, because he stuttered (perhaps that's cruel) but hey, show biz is brutal. Really it's enough already with the ventriloquists.

Now, let's talk about Mimes....

Saturday, April 08, 2006

RE-POST: Happy Battle of Appomattox Court House - Day

How many folks out there knew that 141 years ago today Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House Virginia, which, for all practical purposes ended the War Between the States or The American Civil War as it is commonly called.
Over 600,000 Americans gave their lives (that's on both side folks) fighting for causes they believed in. Over 1.2 million men fought in that war.
For my money, the conflict that began on April 12, 1861 and ended almost 4 years to the day of those first shots being fired on Fort Sumter, are some of the most important in our history as a country. Unfortunately, this stuff isn't taught in the schools anymore. They spend 4 days on the Civil War.

Day 1 - Abraham Lincoln is elected President
Day 2 - The South secedes from the union because they don't want to give up their slaves (is the over simplified or what?)
Day 3 - The Union Wins
Day 4 - Lincoln Frees the slaves and then is shot..... NEXT!

What is most important about the ACW (American Civil War) is that is was the ultimate test. That's right a test. Let me explain,

The American Revolution, everyone would agree is a pretty important event in our history. Let's face it without that when would we shoot off fireworks and eat burgers and dogs. (I kid here .... )
The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution all would agree are pretty important documents. so important that Dolly Madison thought to roll them up and send them out of the Capitol before the British could burn it down.

However ....

Had the South successfully seceded from the Union it all would have been for naught. It had only been 77 years since the Constitution had been ratified by all of the States and 88 years since the signing of the Declaration. This was a brand new country. This conflict was the test of this new experiment called Democracy. Nobody had ever attempted this. It was unknown territory. This was the first major bump in the historical road. If the Union failed, then Democracy failed.

Now, I understand all of the arguments regarding "States Rights" and I agree with some of them. I also believe that the majority of Soldiers who fought for the Confederacy believed they were fighting against Northern Aggression not for the institution of slavery (as most of them neither owned or would ever own slaves).

All of this aside, what this bloody and costly conflict accomplished was solely the unification of this country. The South has never gotten over the loss and the disaster that was "Reconstruction". And while it's nice to think that the war ended Slavery, the reality is that within 20 years the institution of slavery would have been eclipsed by the coming industrial revolution if for no other reason then economic ones. I am not saying that Slavery was not an abomination because it was. But the myth that Abe Lincoln was the great emancipator and that he freed the slaves needs to be put to bed. Again, this is a whole other piece of history.

My point here, despite all this historical drivel that some of you may find interesting, is that our history, yours and mine (If you are an American) is being erased by PC curriculums, poor understanding of history by our teachers and a general lack of interest by most of the population of this country.

Lets face it, Memorial Day is a day for BBQ's, Car Sales and 3 day weekends.

For most people the 4th of July is about fireworks and Beer. The date has no meaning. How many people do you know can name ten of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Veteran's Day comes and goes with little fanfare at all. Presidents day is basically an advertisement for every Motor Company Sale of the year.

Well today, April 9, is about as important a day as any of the ones I mentioned. It is a day that ended a war that took more American lives than all the other wars we have fought put together. It ended a war that split this country to it's core and had brother literally killing brother. It was a war that tested the very fabric of what our founding fathers stood for against King George and his parliament and fought and died to give us.

On this Day 141 years ago, April 9, 1865 General Grant could have spanked the naughty "Rebels" by arresting and trying their officers as traitors. By imprisoning the entire Army of Northern Virginia (which at the point only had about 15,000 men).

But he didn't.

He gave parole to the entire army and made sure they were all fed and clothed for their long trip back South, Back Home.
He allowed the officers to keep their swords. He refused Robert Lee's sword, He gave them their dignity, He understood that this day, was a day for healing. The union troops were instructed not to jeer or cheer after the surrender. During the surrender, General Joshua Chamberlain saluted the Southern General John B. Gordon out of respect and it is still talked about to this day. They all understood what was at stake. They all understood that this was history.

It is a day that represents the very best of what we as Americans can be. That we are all Americans. Contrary to what some folks on the "right" would like to believe. We are all Americans. Proud Americans, Proud to live in the greatest country on the planet. Proud enough to point out when we think our country and government is going down the wrong path. That is what this day means. These men fought and died to preserve my right to disagree at the top of my lungs with the current administration. It doesn't make me un-American. It makes 100% American.
That's what today means.
God Bless The Union and God Bless America.

Monday, April 03, 2006

We're Born Again, There's New Grass On The Field

Opening Day.
All the sins of last season are washed away.
New opportunities for greatness shine like a freshly chalked first base line.
Pedro's toe, Delgado's shoulder and Beltran's bat.
Opening day at Shea stadium is like being born again. Every Met fan has the September mantra burned into thier souls. Maybe next year...
Well this is next year. This is the year we have been waiting for since Oct. 1986.
This is the team.
This is the year.
Opening Day 2006.

"Got a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and brand-new pair of shoes
You know I think it's time to give this game a ride
Just to hit the ball and touch 'em all - a moment in the sun
It's gone and you can tell that one goodbye"

Play Ball.