So Many Pods, not enough Socks Filled With Manure

So, I spent the last two weeks down in Virginia doing various film things (casting, location scouting, crew meetings etc.). For the most part things went very well.
However...
As with all things in this business the pods inevitably raise their leechy pod-like heads. We had roughly 15 or 16 people scheduled to come in to read. There is always an attrition rate at auditions of about 35%, it's to be expected. While it bothers me that with the small amount of jobs out there that pay, actors would try their damnedest to show up to an audition. Maybe it's just me but that shows a real lack of desire. But hey, it's just me.

Anyway...

We had a woman scheduled to come in to read for the only principle female part in the movie. Now keep in mind, she answered OUR ad. We didn''t contact her. She contacted us. When my Production Manager called to give her the details for the auditions, the only contact number we had for this woman was her "Agency". There is a misconception out there amongst less experienced actors (mostly those outside of the NYC / LA area). They think that if they have an "agent" it will make them look more important and we will take them more seriously. That's never the case. For starters we hate dealing with agents. They make it impossible for their clients to work because of unrealistic demands and their blood money (so if it's low budget they don't get their pound of pod flesh). However, it is even worse when the agent is a fly by night no name pod agency that charges the actors money to represent them. These are pods of the lowest order. However the agency we dealt with if you can call it that was even lower. When my Prod. Mgr. called to set up the audition it was like dealing with a half wit. We are pretty sure it was the actresses home number and it was her mom or someone answering the phone. I have never called and agency and had the person answering the phone just say "Hello" without saying the name of the agency. When you call CAA or ICM or William Morris you know it as soon as they pick up the phone. We called this place and the conversation went something like this:

Pod Agency/Mom/Actress: Hello

My Prod. Mgr: Is this _____Talent Agency

Pod Agency/Mom: Uh,,,, Hold on ,,,,

Wait, wait, wait, (translation - 'Hey Mom make believe you're _____ Talent Agency".

MOM: Uh This is _____ Talent agency can I help you?

My Prod. Mgr: Yes, (Actress name here) was supposed to be here two hours ago and we are waiting on her, This is a courtesy call as we are going to pack up and leave.

MOM: Um well she was told to be there between 2- 5pm. It's only 4:00pm

My PRod. Mgr.: Actually no, she was told to be here at 2pm and be prepared to stay for a while probably until 5pm because we were going to mix and match the different roles.

MOM: (uncomfortable silence) Umm, I will call (Actress Name here) and see where she is ....

My PRod. Mgr. : Thanks, please call me back and let me know where she is, I have 5 actors sitting here waiting on her,

Needless to say, we don't hear back from her. So by this point I am fed up with the Podness that is happening here. I call back the Pod Agency.

Pod MOM: Hello

Me: Is this ____ Talent Agency?

Pod Agency/Mom: Uh,,,, Hold on ,,,,

Wait, wait, wait, (translation - 'Hey Mom make believe you're _____ Talent Agency".

MOM: Uh This is _____ Talent agency can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am sitting at an audition waiting for one of your actors to show up. I have 5 actors waiting on her and she was supposed to be here at 2 it is now 4:30. This is no way to do business.

MOM: Well she was told to be there between 2 & 5

Me: (6 hours into auditions and at the end of my tether). BULLSHIT! I know what she was told. She was told the same thing as everyone else who showed up on time, Do you think we made special arrangements for her. NO NO NO NO we didn't. She isn't here and you are full of shit. This is no way to do business and clearly a rinky dinky jerk water agency in the middle of bumfuck Pennsylvania can't even manage to get their "Talent" here on time. I am going to make sure that everyone I know, knows who you are and will never hire another client of yours again.

Now while I am spouting all of this and more, she is trying to talk over me. It was hysterical. The more she tried to bullshit me I just kept talking over her. I was having a good time and letting go of some well earned stress, I hung up on her. Of course the actress never showed up anyway, She called at 5:30pm to apologize. My Prod. Mgr told her she would see if I would allow her to come in the next day for the call backs. I said yes, just so I could get a look at this woman. Wouldn't you know it, she didn't show up on Thursday either,

Woody Allen once quoted WC Fields who said the leaders of the world should gather in a stadium and beat each other up with socks filled with manure. I really wish I had on that day....