Finally, a poll worth taking

This reminded me of that old Saturday Night Live skecth about the Justice League. Margot Kidder was the host that night.
Margot Kidder .... Lois Lane
Dan Aykroyd .... The Flash
John Belushi .... The Incredible Hulk
Jane Curtin .... Lana
Garrett Morris .... Antman
Bill Murray .... Superman
Laraine Newman .... Cookie
Gilda Radner .... Beverly

It was the one of the funniest sketches ever. Complete with Bill Murray showing up half dressed as Clark Kent / Superman and John Belushi taking a massive "Hulkian Dump" in the bathroom and stinking out the joint. But for me the funniest part of the sketch was when Garret Morris who was "Ant Man" was asked what his special power was and he said he could shrink down to the size of an ant and stil have the powers of a mortal man. The rest of the super heros start mocking him, "Hey Hulk, get this, Ant man shrinks down to the size of an ant and has "powers of a mortal man" ... It was very funny.

Anyway, I guess I'm kind of glad that I'm not Ant Man. I already have powers of a mortal man. And who wants to be the size of an ant.

Your results:
You are Iron Man

Iron Man 90% Green Lantern 80% Spider-Man 65% Superman 60% Supergirl 60% Wonder Woman 60% Catwoman 60% Robin 50% Batman 50% Hulk 50% The Flash 35%

Inventor. Businessman. Genius.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

So Many Pods, not enough Socks Filled With Manure

So, I spent the last two weeks down in Virginia doing various film things (casting, location scouting, crew meetings etc.). For the most part things went very well.
However...
As with all things in this business the pods inevitably raise their leechy pod-like heads. We had roughly 15 or 16 people scheduled to come in to read. There is always an attrition rate at auditions of about 35%, it's to be expected. While it bothers me that with the small amount of jobs out there that pay, actors would try their damnedest to show up to an audition. Maybe it's just me but that shows a real lack of desire. But hey, it's just me.

Anyway...

We had a woman scheduled to come in to read for the only principle female part in the movie. Now keep in mind, she answered OUR ad. We didn''t contact her. She contacted us. When my Production Manager called to give her the details for the auditions, the only contact number we had for this woman was her "Agency". There is a misconception out there amongst less experienced actors (mostly those outside of the NYC / LA area). They think that if they have an "agent" it will make them look more important and we will take them more seriously. That's never the case. For starters we hate dealing with agents. They make it impossible for their clients to work because of unrealistic demands and their blood money (so if it's low budget they don't get their pound of pod flesh). However, it is even worse when the agent is a fly by night no name pod agency that charges the actors money to represent them. These are pods of the lowest order. However the agency we dealt with if you can call it that was even lower. When my Prod. Mgr. called to set up the audition it was like dealing with a half wit. We are pretty sure it was the actresses home number and it was her mom or someone answering the phone. I have never called and agency and had the person answering the phone just say "Hello" without saying the name of the agency. When you call CAA or ICM or William Morris you know it as soon as they pick up the phone. We called this place and the conversation went something like this:

Pod Agency/Mom/Actress: Hello

My Prod. Mgr: Is this _____Talent Agency

Pod Agency/Mom: Uh,,,, Hold on ,,,,

Wait, wait, wait, (translation - 'Hey Mom make believe you're _____ Talent Agency".

MOM: Uh This is _____ Talent agency can I help you?

My Prod. Mgr: Yes, (Actress name here) was supposed to be here two hours ago and we are waiting on her, This is a courtesy call as we are going to pack up and leave.

MOM: Um well she was told to be there between 2- 5pm. It's only 4:00pm

My PRod. Mgr.: Actually no, she was told to be here at 2pm and be prepared to stay for a while probably until 5pm because we were going to mix and match the different roles.

MOM: (uncomfortable silence) Umm, I will call (Actress Name here) and see where she is ....

My PRod. Mgr. : Thanks, please call me back and let me know where she is, I have 5 actors sitting here waiting on her,

Needless to say, we don't hear back from her. So by this point I am fed up with the Podness that is happening here. I call back the Pod Agency.

Pod MOM: Hello

Me: Is this ____ Talent Agency?

Pod Agency/Mom: Uh,,,, Hold on ,,,,

Wait, wait, wait, (translation - 'Hey Mom make believe you're _____ Talent Agency".

MOM: Uh This is _____ Talent agency can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am sitting at an audition waiting for one of your actors to show up. I have 5 actors waiting on her and she was supposed to be here at 2 it is now 4:30. This is no way to do business.

MOM: Well she was told to be there between 2 & 5

Me: (6 hours into auditions and at the end of my tether). BULLSHIT! I know what she was told. She was told the same thing as everyone else who showed up on time, Do you think we made special arrangements for her. NO NO NO NO we didn't. She isn't here and you are full of shit. This is no way to do business and clearly a rinky dinky jerk water agency in the middle of bumfuck Pennsylvania can't even manage to get their "Talent" here on time. I am going to make sure that everyone I know, knows who you are and will never hire another client of yours again.

Now while I am spouting all of this and more, she is trying to talk over me. It was hysterical. The more she tried to bullshit me I just kept talking over her. I was having a good time and letting go of some well earned stress, I hung up on her. Of course the actress never showed up anyway, She called at 5:30pm to apologize. My Prod. Mgr told her she would see if I would allow her to come in the next day for the call backs. I said yes, just so I could get a look at this woman. Wouldn't you know it, she didn't show up on Thursday either,

Woody Allen once quoted WC Fields who said the leaders of the world should gather in a stadium and beat each other up with socks filled with manure. I really wish I had on that day....

Hollywood Reporter - 1001 and one uses

Every industry has it's leeches, scumbags, blood-suckers, hanger's on, creeps, misfits and malcontents. Take the film industry for instance. There are two sides to this multi billion dollar industry. There is the side that houses the talent. Be it writers, directors, actors or crafts people. These are the people who create. They give a little piece of themselves to every production they work on. Paid or unpaid, rich or poor. Creative people are the juice that makes the movie industry go.

Then you have the "other side". Agents, Managers, paparazzi, public relations people, ad people, magazines all who make a buck on the sweat of others. You would think they would be a little more appreciative of the pound of flesh they dine on every night. But of course they are not. That is because they are not human beings. They are parasites. Pilot fish hitching a free ride on the underbelly of artists. They are for lack of a better word, "Pods".

I just got off the phone with two such pods.

My current film project which is in pre-production right now is set to shoot in Aug. As I always do I like to put an announcement in Hollywood Distorter ( mean Reporter) for two reasons. Firstly, it often brings potential contacts of people who want to be involved with the production who we might not have heard from otherwise and secondly and certainly the more frivolous reason, you need HR for the IMDB to list your movie. The call it an official listing. While I am already on IMDB some of my crew is not and for folks in the industry having an imdb listing is like their coming out party. Sad but true. The IMDB has replaced all other sources for legitimizing ones career in the movie business.... However, I digress.

So, having done this before I know the drill full well. You must have your paperwork in by Thursday to be published the following Tuesday, which I did (I had it in Monday night just to make sure). When Tuesday rolled around, there was no listing of the movie. So I called up HR and asked them what happened. Well it seemed the rocket scientist who's job it is to input them couldn't print the jpeg files I sent her. So instead of using the contact number on the form and in the email to call me and ask me to send her the form in a pdf file, what did this cranially challenged person do?

2 guesses....

Wrong ....

Wrong....

She did nothing. If she worked for me I would have fired her on the spot. But clearly HR has a less stringent performance standard than me.

So I re-send the files as pdf files and this female version of Rainman assures me she will put it in right away and it will be updated.

If you have read this far then you will probably be able to figure out what happened next.

Nothing.

So I called today to find out what happened. I spoke to another "Pod" this one dimmer than the last one. When confronted with the facts, her well thought out answer to why my production listing wasn't posted was, as far as I am concerned, indicative of every flunky, non hacker dim witted foob on this god foresaken planet.

Ready?

"SHE DIDN'T GET TO IT".

Yup that was her answer. It's not like I asked her to clean my garage or pick up my dry cleaning. She has one job. Input production listings. Listings that are in by a certain day and time. Mine was. She didn't get to it. If she worked for me I would have fired her on the spot ... Again.

She didn't get to it. Then this nitwit makes it sound like it was my fault. Well needles to say I was less than thrilled. She validated her response by saying that the listings on Hollywood reporter are free and that they don't have to post them. I reminded her that she wouldn't have a job without the listings so unless she fancies inspecting underwear in some assembly line for 4.50 and hour, I would treat the people who keep her employed with a little more respect. Of course that fell on deaf ears as these people don't respect anyone. These people are dermatophytes (that's a fungus that lives underneath your toenails). They are the stuff that overtime collects underneath your BBQ grill that you need to scrape away with some kind of bizarre gardening trowel.

For hundreds of years non artistic people have been making a living off of the creativity of others. We have finally raised it to the level of art. Lets make it official:
HOLLYWOOD DERMATOPHYTE: A fungus that gets under the creative toe nail and feeds on the artistic cuticles of others.
I think I am going to send this to Wikipedia.

That's if a I get to it.