The World According To Me

Catching Up

2007-07-25T00:44:00.000-04:00

it's been a while since I updated my blog, and though I am sure no one is reading it anymore, I will indulge myself and update the populace on the what's new in the world of Charlie.

1. I just finished a short film that I think is the best work I have done to date. It's a great little story and the rough cut made my mom cry so I think we are on to something here. I am pretty sure she wasn't crying because I don't have a real job, as she has so many times in the past.

This little film called "The Price of Art" starred Louis Zorich, a well known character actor in Theatre and Film. You would probably know him best as BURT BUCHMAN, Paul's father on Mad About You, however he has a resume that would make your knees buckle. He agreed to do our little film and the end result was unbelievable. Then to add just another layer on the cake Tom Paxton, one of the Godfathers of folk Music, read the script (our sound designer is good friends with him and gave him the script to read) and wrote the score for the movie without us asking. That was a first for me. The end result is that this little film has turned into something very special.

2. My new daughter is now 4 months old and doing very well. She has mentioned to the four year old that she wants to direct.
The four year old, also appeared in the latest project, again giving a star performance as she played peek-a-boo with Louis,

3. We are gearing up for our next feature film, the largest one yet, which (hopefully) will go into production in the winter of 2008. We already have some great stuff happening with that as well.

4. The renovation on the house continues at a snails pace. I figure it will give me something to do in my old age.

5. And last but not least, it's time for the yearly tradition of heading off to Western Pennsylvania to put on armor, hit my closest friends as hard as I can with whatever I have handy and to drink lots of Mead. Yes, PENNSIC 36 is at hand.
http://www.pennsic.net/
Two weeks of rest, relaxation and colorful costumes, pavillions, welts and bruises.

6. Ok one more thing that makes me smile ... The NY Mets are still in First place in the NL East.

More Than Just An Inconvenient Truth

2007-03-23T08:57:00.000-04:00

I just watched "An Inconvenient Truth" last night. Like many others who have seen it, when it ended I felt angry, concerned, empowered and motivated. But I also felt sorry. I know it's been said many times, but it is the truth. If the Al Gore who eats up the cameras and issues on this screen, had been the same guy squaring off against the current moron in the White House, we would be living in a very different world. It saddens me, that if not for two stolen elections, the world might be a safer, healthier place to live.

The Republicans and the wealth blinded conservatives can throw all the sticks and stones they like. They can play the fear card, though all intelligent people know and agree we live in a much more dangerous world now thanks to President Pinhead than before he usurped the oval office. Al Gore would have been the man of the moment had we seen the real Al Gore, not the stuffed suit the DNC felt they needed to appease the "Fence Sitters".

Well the Birds have come home to roost. All of the talk of where the Ground Zero Memorial should be and what it should look like will all be for naught, if Greenland’s ice shelf breaks off, as most of lower Manhattan, as well as my house in Brooklyn, will be under water.

Tourists can look at Ground Zero through a glass bottom boat.

Al Gore for President 2008

A New Member of The Family arrives ...

2007-03-17T20:09:00.000-04:00

5 weeks early!
Yep, my second daughter was born yesterday at 1:27pm. roughly 5 weeks before she was due. However, both baby and Mommy are doing swell.
And for the moment, all is right in Charlie Land.

Richard Jeni - October 31, 1962–March 10, 2007

2007-03-11T17:38:00.001-04:00

Richard Jeni took his own life on Saturday, This guy made me laugh. ALOT!
He was from Brooklyn and was not ashamed. He was a brilliant comedian and deserved more recognition than he got.
The first time I saw him was on his HBO Special "Richard Jeni: Boy From New York City". I laughed so hard I nearly blacked out.

Three years ago while we were still trying to get "Beds & Breakfast" made we actually got his head shot from his agent. Both my partner Paul and I were thrilled, as we were both big fans of Richard's. Unfortunately the schedules couldn't be worked out (as is so often the case) because he was in production on a sitcom at the time. I consider that a missed opportunity to work with someone I really respected. Now I will never get the chance,

What would make a guy who is so talented take is own life? I have no answer. Having been in show business for the last 25 years, I have met a lot of people. Some are not with us anymore for various reasons. Drugs, AIDS, Alcohol abuse and car wrecks, has taken a few people that I have called friends. I don't know anyone who has committed suicide. It is a very foreign thing to me.

His voice and his comedy will be sorely missed.

Things That Piss Me Off

2007-02-03T10:48:00.001-05:00

There are so many things that piss me off that narrowing them down has been quite a task. So without further ado, for your amusement here we go: (these aren't in any particular order of annoyance)

1. People who litter. Now I know this might sound obvious to you but it's not what you think, Yes it pissess me off when people litter because it's bad for our planet and all that. But what really pissess me off is the smug non-chalantness of these scumbags when they throw something out the window of their car or just throw something on the floor. They look around and smile to themselves like they just got away with the heist of the century. Last week I was sitting on a bench with my daughter when some nit wit woman threw a bottle cap at garbage can from about 10 feet away and of course she missed. She just left it there and started to walk away. Of course I could not let that stand so I got up and shouted at her. "Hey, Moron, you missed the can."
She turned around and was kind of making believe that I wasn't talking to her. I said "Yeah you, you missed the can and the cap is sitting on the floor over there". She looked at me like I had two head, standing there holding her "cap-less" bottle of soda. I was relentless "Go over there and pick it up and put it back in trash can". Again stunned silence from this member of Mensa. Of course she didn't come back and pick up the cap so I did. Of course I abused her the whole time. (Very loudly)
"I AM PICKKING UP THE BOTTLE CAP THIS WOMAN DELIBERATLY THREW ON THE FLOOR. SHE IS A SELFISH PIG WHO DESERVES TO BE LOOCKED IN A ROOM THAT IS FILLED WITH LANDFILL FROM STATEN ISLAND. THAT WOMAN THERE IN THE BLACK DRESS WHO IS TRYING TO WALK AWAY QUICKLY. EVERYONE LOOK AT HER. SHE IS A LITTER."
Needless to say I felt better and my daughter got a kick out of it,

2. People who don't even have the slightest working knowledge of the English language who are put in positions of customer service. I have touched in this before with regards to my bank's customer service being sent over to India but now I am talking much closer to home. On the corner of my block there is one of these conglomerate "Dunkin Donuts/Pizza Hut/Taco Hell. When we were renovating my house 5 years ago we (my buddy and I) ate there almost everyday for month as it was the closest place to eat and there was nothing in our gutted house. And everyday it was a struggle just to get an order right. Now I understand that the problem in this particular establishment is twofold. First the language barrier and secondly that most of the people who work there are as dumb as a bag of hammers. I have nothing against people who work in the fast food industry, I myself have many years on those jobs, But the people hired in this particular store are absolutely the dumbest group of people on the planet. Even when they do speak English (the few that do) are still completely inept,
Anyhow, the other day I went down there to grab a quick lunch (there was absolutely nothing in the house to eat, I hadn't gone shopping yet). So I mosey on down and order a very basic thing. A personal a meat lovers pan pizza and a small order of buffalo wings. This was the conversation I had with the recent arrival in our country:

Me - I would like a Meatlovers Pizza please
Moron - A supreme.
Me - No, A Meatlovers
Moron - (Shaking her yes) A Supreme
Me - (Shaking my head no) No, Not a Supreme, A Meatlovers
Moron - (I shit you not) A Supreme.

At this time I Lose my shit and point to the rather large signs behind her which contain pictures of SUPREME - CHEESE - MEATLOVERS - VEGGIE LOVERS - PEPPERONI
And she turns back to me and say... you guessed it

Moron - Supreme

By this time I am appoplectic and the manager (another rocket scientist) walks over and points to the meatlovers button on the register. At this time the block of wood who has been trying to take my order smiles at me as if the past two minutes never occurred and says, in a barely understandable broken English:

MORON - Anything else?

Me being a glutton for punishment I say:

Me - Yes a small order of wings.

This is followed by complete stunned silence, because clearly I just started speaking in Esperanto. The lack of recognition on this womans face was something akin to Yul Brynner in that wickedly bad 70's flick "West World". So I say again:

Me - I would like a small order of Chicken wings.

Nothing. Finally the manager comes back over and pushes the button on the register. Now at this point I am out of my mind and I am thinking that this thing in front of me is not a human but a malfunctioning Jack in the Box Clown head. She just stands there with this blank expression on her face. At this point another customer comes in and approaches the counter. He is about to order when I say:

Me - Don't do it man, save yourself. Go to McDonalds.

Of course he just smiles the smile of a man who has not yet forseen his own destruction. The Clown Head speaks:

Moron Clown Head - May I help you?

Dead Man Walking - Yes, I would like two soft tacos and a coke.

SIlence from the Clown Head.

Finally the manager comes over and tells Clown Head (in a language I did not recognize) to go over and make the two soft tacos. Now, the nice human sacrifice standing next to me thinks he has escaped virtually unsinged. But he is mistaken. While the manager takes his money, with her back to Clown Head, the festival of pain continues. I watch as the Clown Head makes two HARD tacos. Human Sacrifice next to me starts to point at her. Clearly all speech has left his body. I on the other hand, glad to see someone else suffer for a change just giggle. The manager turns around just in time to see her wrapping up the hard shell tacos. Human Sacrifice next to me is begining to cry. The moronic manager actually hands the hard tacos to Human Sacrifice. He holds them in his hands as if two great eagles had just dropped a turd in each hand,

Human Sacrifice - I ordered soft tacos.

Manager from Hell - Just nods yes with that dumb expression.

I can take no more, I turn on this spawn of Taco Hell:

Me - Look you moron, that idiot made two hard shell tacos and you gave this man two hard tacos. Not the soft tacos he asked for (Human Sacrifice could do nothing more than nod, as the sacrificial knife began cutting into his still beating heart).

I could take no more and walked out. Without my controversial pizza or my authentic imitation Buffalo Wings (which would have been a compltete disappointment anyway). Fake Buffalo wings is a whole other thing that pissess me off.

I vowed never to go back there again.

Of course I say that everytime I leave there.

Where are they now?

2006-12-15T18:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday while I was procrastinating and not getting any writing done I decided to do a little web surfing to see if I could track down a couple of my childhood friends. I found a number of them and oddly enough most have normal upper middle class lives -- Doctors, Lawyers, one went in to local politics in California. Then I came across 2 of my very good friends who I lost contact with right after HS.
The first one, we'll call him Poncho, is now a defense lawyer specializing in "The Mob". Yes, the "The Mob". This is perfect, You have to understand, this is the same guy that talked me into running away to Pittsburgh to become miners when we were in 9th grade. He got thrown out of a number of High Schools as well as private schools. I also heard that he was involved in a scandal at a prominent Prep School. He could sell snow to eskimos and get them to return the snow when they were done with it. He always managed to survive and get his way. And he could argue. HE could argue with you until you just had to give in. He would rant and rave, pull his hair out of his head. It was as amusing as it was effective. Well, now he has his own practice and has defended a number of high profile mobsters, who's names you would probably recognize. Well done Poncho, well done....

The second one, who we will call Goofy, also played to his strengths. He was the consumate bullshit artist. He had a story for every occassion, but unlike Poncho, we never believed him. He also would do just about anything to get a woman. If she wanted him to be taller he would have put lifts in his shoes. If she wanted him bald he would have shaved his head. So now, I find out that he has been a highly respected "Motivational Speaker/Author)" for some years, (though highly respected and motivational speaker don't really sit well together) and now, he has found Jesus. It was only a matter of time. Keep in mind he was born Jewish and attended a well known Hebrew Day School. I read his little bio and he says his new wife, "Showed him the way", yeah I bet she did. And if she had happened to be Mao-ist, he'd be running around in one of those little hats and riding a bicycle everywhere. If she had been Shaker he'd be making rocking chairs. If she was a Mormon he'd be running around with the Magic Sunglasses. Still the Bullshit artist. But now he is getting paid for it. It all just makes perfect sense.

I often ask myself how I got to where I am now. It seems to me the path was not as bizarre as some others .... and I take comfort in that.

What's new and Interesting in the World of Charlie?

2006-12-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

Well let's see.
1. There is another youngin' on the way, (she is due in late April) yes it's a girl. We don't like surprises. To quote a very funny man, Paul Reiser "It's one of two things, if it's a third thing, say an Owl, I would like to know, only good can come from knowing."

2. The new child brings with it all kinds of joyous life altering situations. To start with, we never really planned for 2 kids so our lovely Brooklyn home does not have enough rooms to raise the new forthcoming seedling. So, off with roof and a third story will be built. The new floor will house not only my wife and I, but my new spacious office as well. My office in the basement will be home to our soon to be live in nanny/babysitter. Now I am the last person I would ever have thought would have a live in nanny. Unfortunately we have no choice. As soon as my wife goes back to work after the child arrives, I will be (hopefully will be) going into pre-production on my next film. That will not leave a lot of time for diaper changing and drop offs and pick ups to school. So that's where the new nanny comes in. We found a woman who id great, gets a long great with the current rugrat and is completely qualified to mind the forth-coming heir to the Charlie Empire. (Well, one man's empire is another man's walk in closet).

3. My last film project is just about ready to go into the final phases of postproduction and then hopefully a sale to a major cable company. Last Girl On Earth has honored me by agreeing to compose the soundtrack for the movie. I can't wait to hear what she comes up with.

4. While I put the finishing touches on RLD I have already began to lay the groundwork for my next film. While it's a bigger project than my last one, I think it will be easier to shoot. After this last movie, I have a whole new respect for people who do large scale war movies. shooting battle scenes is no easy task. give me four guys sitting in a room talking and making jokes any day of the week!!! The good news is the next film will be shot right here in Brooklyn. So I will get to roll out of bed and pretty much be on set in 5 minutes. That should beat the heck out of 16 days in a hotel in Maryland and 30 days away from home.

I am going to try and start writing regularly again. I have been so busy that I haven't really had a chance to be pissed off about what's going on in the world. I think I am ready to start ranting again.

Rising above their own limitations...

2006-11-08T14:10:00.000-05:00

Finally the Democrats have managed not to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. It looks like they will not just own the HoR but the Senate as well. Let's see how long it takes them to screw this up....

Am i cynical? You bet your ass I am.

2006-10-05T03:03:00.001-04:00

Corky and the Juice Pigs on Madtv!!

Three of the funniest guys to ever walk the earth.

Tell Me Something I Don't Already Know

2006-09-25T22:21:00.000-04:00

Civil Libertarian

You scored 83% Personal Liberty and 50% Economic Liberty!

A civil libertarian believes in little to no government intervention on personal matters and moderate government intervention on economic matters. As the name implies, a Civil Libertarian's main concern is with civil liberties - personal matters. They tend to be strongly opposed to war, police powers, victimless crimes, and foreign intervention. Civil Libertarians may tend to believe in a social safety net, but to a lesser extent then most leftists. Strong Civil Libertarians are somewhat inclined towards supporting capitalism as an economic system. A civil libertarian strongly believes in protecting personal liberty. They strongly support self-ownership and privacy.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Personal
You scored higher than 99% on Economic

Link: The Politics Test written by brainpolice on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

The Current Middle Ages

2006-08-04T09:01:00.000-04:00

One would assume that with the biggest, most important movie of my life rolling camera in exactly 3 weeks from tomorrow I would be hunkered down going over last minute details, chatting and rehearsing with my actors, worrying over budgets and equipment lists.
Well you would be wrong. Everything is in hand (because along with the biggest movie of my life I also have the biggest crew of my life, and they all pretty much kick ass). This has left me with a lot less to do than I normally would have expected.

So...

This afternoon I am off to a place where Kings, Queens, Knights and Squires (of which I am one) roam the world in a semi inebriated stupor for two weeks. A place where close to 2000 long haired hippy types will put on armor and beat the snot out of each other in the hot sun.

Yes this is PENNSIC.

The Ramadan, 12 Days Of Xmas, Kwansa, Sturgis, Mardi Gras, Spring Break and Purim of the SCA.

Society for Creative Anachronism

Pennsic is a 2 week war that pretty much attracts between 11,000 to 14,000 people from all over the "Known World" (which means all 19 kingdoms from all over the United States, Canada, Europe & Australia). We recreate the middle ages not the way it was but the way it ought to have been. Very few peasants (unless one chooses to be so). Lots of mirth and merriment and very little plague and pestilence other than Pennsic Plague which is often akin to Montezuma's Revenge.

Anyhow, this is how my friends and I have been spending the first two weeks of Aug for a whole lot of years. This will be the 35th Pennsic.

So while I will have my computer and production book with me, it is far more likely that I will be holding a nice cold tankard of home brewed Mead (I make a mean Mead) then a production schedule for the next 11 days or so.

Let the games begin.

Jews For Cheeses

2006-08-03T00:09:00.000-04:00

My buddy just started his first Blog. It's called "Jews For Cheeses" and it's pretty funny. You should check it out.
I really mean it.
YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.

Jews For Cheeses

Cheese Wheel: Rejected Cartoons

2006-07-30T22:34:00.000-04:00

Ok this is so bizarre and funny you really need to watch it. An I mean YOU!!!!!!!

Cheese Wheel: Rejected Cartoons

2006-07-30T19:05:00.000-04:00

Massaging The Chancellor

This is something my buddy Mike put together in honor of Mr. Bush's close encounter withthe Chancellor of Germany.
Enjoy

Stuff That Makes Me Laugh

2006-07-27T22:04:00.000-04:00

Ok, I know it's sick but I have watched this clip about 50 times and everytime I watch it I laugh my ass off. I know it's childish, but this is freakin' funny.

How honest are you ... really....

2006-07-27T15:30:00.000-04:00

I thought this survey was particularly interesting as honesty is something I value most in the people around me.
I guess I am about as honest as you can be without alienating most of the populace around me.

You Are 80% Brutally Honest

Most of the time, you tell it like it is. Even if it's hard for people to hear.
Sometimes you hold back though, because you never want your honesty to be hurtful.

How Brutally Honest Are You?

Production Update

2006-07-24T11:16:00.000-04:00

So it's been a while but we are now T minus 4 weeks in counting before we begin principal photography on my next feature film. I have been pretty silent about this one for a number of reasons, however as we are almost completely cast and crewed up I think it is safe to talk about this one as there is very little chance of this one falling apart.

As some of you may know and many of you may not know, in my spare time (basically when I am not yelling at some agent or begging for financing) I participate in a couple of hobbies. One in which I put on armor and hit my close friends with a rattan great sword. The other hobby is One where I dress up in Red Pantaloons and a fez and recreate obscure battles from the late part of the 19th Century in the US.

Yes I am a member of the SCA and a Civil War reenactor.

There I have said it.

I am also a student of history and an amateur Civil War Historian. The group I belong to, the "5th NY Volunteer infantry Duryee's Zouaves" was one of the finest regiments that fought in the war. My friend Brian Pohanka who died last year (see blog installment June 18, 2005) finished the regimental history about the 5th a month or so before he passed away. The movie we are about to make is based on his book and with any luck the book will be published at the same time the movie is released.

This is the largest movie I have ever made. Over 70 actors and a crew of close to 40. It's huge. However I have great people working with me and for me and I think we are going to have one hell of a final product when all is said and done,

I am going to try yet a again to keep a production journal and I will post interesting or funny things that happen during the shoot.

Ok, I have procrastinated long enough.... back to work.

A little bit about me

2006-07-10T22:53:00.000-04:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:
Birthday:
Birthplace:	Flushing NY
Current Location:	Brooklyn NY
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	5'8"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Left
Your Heritage:	Jewish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Chuck Taylors - red Hi-Tops
Your Weakness:	Weakness? I say HA
Your Fears:	Fears? President Jeb Bush
Your Perfect Pizza:	Crawfish, Andouille Sausage, Goat Cheese, Xtra Mozarella thin crust - well done
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Sell RLD
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Man I gotta piss
Your Best Physical Feature:	My Aura
Your Bedtime:	When I am done
Your Most Missed Memory:	1983 - 1993
Some people drink Pepsi some people drink Coke:	And Some Drink Cok 0 because it rocks
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Wendy's if anything
Single or Group Dates:	I don't date
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Straight plain unsweetened tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	there is only chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	double esspresso
Do you Smoke:	no - never have
Do you Swear:	I'm from Brooklyn - What the fuck do you think?
Do you Sing:	daily
Do you Shower Daily:	daily
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	I can proudly say I have been thrown out of some of the finest institutions NY State has to offer
Do you want to get Married:	Already am
Do you belive in yourself:	Stupid question - Next
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope
Do you think you are Attractive:	Of course
Are you a Health Freak:	Are you nuts
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes
Do you play an Instrument:	Several - really well
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	of course
In the past month have you Smoked:	no
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yet another dumb question
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	unfortunately no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes a number of times
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	nope
Ever been Drunk:	Ha
Ever been called a Tease:	nope
Ever been Beaten up:	yup
Ever Shoplifted:	nope
How do you want to Die:	in my sleep after a great shag
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I am already it and I don't have to grow up
What country would you most like to Visit:	Scotland
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:
Favourite Hair Color:
Short or Long Hair:
Height:
Weight:
Best Clothing Style:
Number of Drugs I have taken:	You can't count that high
Number of CDs I own:	Who can count that high
Number of Piercings:	none now - had 4 a long time ago
Number of Tattoos:	2
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	I Regret Nothing - It's all about the trip
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Finally, a poll worth taking

2006-06-30T13:37:00.000-04:00

This reminded me of that old Saturday Night Live skecth about the Justice League. Margot Kidder was the host that night.
Margot Kidder .... Lois Lane
Dan Aykroyd .... The Flash
John Belushi .... The Incredible Hulk
Jane Curtin .... Lana
Garrett Morris .... Antman
Bill Murray .... Superman
Laraine Newman .... Cookie
Gilda Radner .... Beverly

It was the one of the funniest sketches ever. Complete with Bill Murray showing up half dressed as Clark Kent / Superman and John Belushi taking a massive "Hulkian Dump" in the bathroom and stinking out the joint. But for me the funniest part of the sketch was when Garret Morris who was "Ant Man" was asked what his special power was and he said he could shrink down to the size of an ant and stil have the powers of a mortal man. The rest of the super heros start mocking him, "Hey Hulk, get this, Ant man shrinks down to the size of an ant and has "powers of a mortal man" ... It was very funny.

Anyway, I guess I'm kind of glad that I'm not Ant Man. I already have powers of a mortal man. And who wants to be the size of an ant.

Your results:
You are Iron Man

Iron Man		90%
Green Lantern		80%
Spider-Man		65%
Superman		60%
Supergirl		60%
Wonder Woman		60%
Catwoman		60%
Robin		50%
Batman		50%
Hulk		50%
The Flash		35%

Inventor. Businessman. Genius.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

So Many Pods, not enough Socks Filled With Manure

2006-06-24T08:25:00.000-04:00

So, I spent the last two weeks down in Virginia doing various film things (casting, location scouting, crew meetings etc.). For the most part things went very well.
However...
As with all things in this business the pods inevitably raise their leechy pod-like heads. We had roughly 15 or 16 people scheduled to come in to read. There is always an attrition rate at auditions of about 35%, it's to be expected. While it bothers me that with the small amount of jobs out there that pay, actors would try their damnedest to show up to an audition. Maybe it's just me but that shows a real lack of desire. But hey, it's just me.

Anyway...

We had a woman scheduled to come in to read for the only principle female part in the movie. Now keep in mind, she answered OUR ad. We didn''t contact her. She contacted us. When my Production Manager called to give her the details for the auditions, the only contact number we had for this woman was her "Agency". There is a misconception out there amongst less experienced actors (mostly those outside of the NYC / LA area). They think that if they have an "agent" it will make them look more important and we will take them more seriously. That's never the case. For starters we hate dealing with agents. They make it impossible for their clients to work because of unrealistic demands and their blood money (so if it's low budget they don't get their pound of pod flesh). However, it is even worse when the agent is a fly by night no name pod agency that charges the actors money to represent them. These are pods of the lowest order. However the agency we dealt with if you can call it that was even lower. When my Prod. Mgr. called to set up the audition it was like dealing with a half wit. We are pretty sure it was the actresses home number and it was her mom or someone answering the phone. I have never called and agency and had the person answering the phone just say "Hello" without saying the name of the agency. When you call CAA or ICM or William Morris you know it as soon as they pick up the phone. We called this place and the conversation went something like this:

Pod Agency/Mom/Actress: Hello

My Prod. Mgr: Is this _____Talent Agency

Pod Agency/Mom: Uh,,,, Hold on ,,,,

Wait, wait, wait, (translation - 'Hey Mom make believe you're _____ Talent Agency".

MOM: Uh This is _____ Talent agency can I help you?

My Prod. Mgr: Yes, (Actress name here) was supposed to be here two hours ago and we are waiting on her, This is a courtesy call as we are going to pack up and leave.

MOM: Um well she was told to be there between 2- 5pm. It's only 4:00pm

My PRod. Mgr.: Actually no, she was told to be here at 2pm and be prepared to stay for a while probably until 5pm because we were going to mix and match the different roles.

MOM: (uncomfortable silence) Umm, I will call (Actress Name here) and see where she is ....

My PRod. Mgr. : Thanks, please call me back and let me know where she is, I have 5 actors sitting here waiting on her,

Needless to say, we don't hear back from her. So by this point I am fed up with the Podness that is happening here. I call back the Pod Agency.

Pod MOM: Hello

Me: Is this ____ Talent Agency?

Pod Agency/Mom: Uh,,,, Hold on ,,,,

Wait, wait, wait, (translation - 'Hey Mom make believe you're _____ Talent Agency".

MOM: Uh This is _____ Talent agency can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am sitting at an audition waiting for one of your actors to show up. I have 5 actors waiting on her and she was supposed to be here at 2 it is now 4:30. This is no way to do business.

MOM: Well she was told to be there between 2 & 5

Me: (6 hours into auditions and at the end of my tether). BULLSHIT! I know what she was told. She was told the same thing as everyone else who showed up on time, Do you think we made special arrangements for her. NO NO NO NO we didn't. She isn't here and you are full of shit. This is no way to do business and clearly a rinky dinky jerk water agency in the middle of bumfuck Pennsylvania can't even manage to get their "Talent" here on time. I am going to make sure that everyone I know, knows who you are and will never hire another client of yours again.

Now while I am spouting all of this and more, she is trying to talk over me. It was hysterical. The more she tried to bullshit me I just kept talking over her. I was having a good time and letting go of some well earned stress, I hung up on her. Of course the actress never showed up anyway, She called at 5:30pm to apologize. My Prod. Mgr told her she would see if I would allow her to come in the next day for the call backs. I said yes, just so I could get a look at this woman. Wouldn't you know it, she didn't show up on Thursday either,

Woody Allen once quoted WC Fields who said the leaders of the world should gather in a stadium and beat each other up with socks filled with manure. I really wish I had on that day....

Hollywood Reporter - 1001 and one uses

2006-06-06T12:02:00.000-04:00

Every industry has it's leeches, scumbags, blood-suckers, hanger's on, creeps, misfits and malcontents. Take the film industry for instance. There are two sides to this multi billion dollar industry. There is the side that houses the talent. Be it writers, directors, actors or crafts people. These are the people who create. They give a little piece of themselves to every production they work on. Paid or unpaid, rich or poor. Creative people are the juice that makes the movie industry go.

Then you have the "other side". Agents, Managers, paparazzi, public relations people, ad people, magazines all who make a buck on the sweat of others. You would think they would be a little more appreciative of the pound of flesh they dine on every night. But of course they are not. That is because they are not human beings. They are parasites. Pilot fish hitching a free ride on the underbelly of artists. They are for lack of a better word, "Pods".

I just got off the phone with two such pods.

My current film project which is in pre-production right now is set to shoot in Aug. As I always do I like to put an announcement in Hollywood Distorter ( mean Reporter) for two reasons. Firstly, it often brings potential contacts of people who want to be involved with the production who we might not have heard from otherwise and secondly and certainly the more frivolous reason, you need HR for the IMDB to list your movie. The call it an official listing. While I am already on IMDB some of my crew is not and for folks in the industry having an imdb listing is like their coming out party. Sad but true. The IMDB has replaced all other sources for legitimizing ones career in the movie business.... However, I digress.

So, having done this before I know the drill full well. You must have your paperwork in by Thursday to be published the following Tuesday, which I did (I had it in Monday night just to make sure). When Tuesday rolled around, there was no listing of the movie. So I called up HR and asked them what happened. Well it seemed the rocket scientist who's job it is to input them couldn't print the jpeg files I sent her. So instead of using the contact number on the form and in the email to call me and ask me to send her the form in a pdf file, what did this cranially challenged person do?

2 guesses....

Wrong ....

Wrong....

She did nothing. If she worked for me I would have fired her on the spot. But clearly HR has a less stringent performance standard than me.

So I re-send the files as pdf files and this female version of Rainman assures me she will put it in right away and it will be updated.

If you have read this far then you will probably be able to figure out what happened next.

Nothing.

So I called today to find out what happened. I spoke to another "Pod" this one dimmer than the last one. When confronted with the facts, her well thought out answer to why my production listing wasn't posted was, as far as I am concerned, indicative of every flunky, non hacker dim witted foob on this god foresaken planet.

Ready?

"SHE DIDN'T GET TO IT".

Yup that was her answer. It's not like I asked her to clean my garage or pick up my dry cleaning. She has one job. Input production listings. Listings that are in by a certain day and time. Mine was. She didn't get to it. If she worked for me I would have fired her on the spot ... Again.

She didn't get to it. Then this nitwit makes it sound like it was my fault. Well needles to say I was less than thrilled. She validated her response by saying that the listings on Hollywood reporter are free and that they don't have to post them. I reminded her that she wouldn't have a job without the listings so unless she fancies inspecting underwear in some assembly line for 4.50 and hour, I would treat the people who keep her employed with a little more respect. Of course that fell on deaf ears as these people don't respect anyone. These people are dermatophytes (that's a fungus that lives underneath your toenails). They are the stuff that overtime collects underneath your BBQ grill that you need to scrape away with some kind of bizarre gardening trowel.

For hundreds of years non artistic people have been making a living off of the creativity of others. We have finally raised it to the level of art. Lets make it official:
HOLLYWOOD DERMATOPHYTE: A fungus that gets under the creative toe nail and feeds on the artistic cuticles of others.
I think I am going to send this to Wikipedia.

That's if a I get to it.

The Madness of Snow and Canned Meats

2006-04-14T00:31:00.000-04:00

You ever notice that the moment a snowflake falls from the sky, people lose their minds?

You would think they just got a bulletin over the radio "Aliens coming, you must stock up on Dinty Moore..."

They rush to the supemarket and buy more canned goods, milk and water than any one family could possibly consume in a month.

Snow happens people. It happens every year. Sometimes more, sometimes less but it always shows up some time between November and March. So why the big to do? Not too mention the fact that it goes away just as quickly, (assuming you live a reasonable distance from the equator) The Arctcic Circle not withstanding. So they rush around like headless chickens, preparing for this foreign matter that is falling from the sky. And how do they do this?

In a CAR ...

A heavy steel machine that quite often has a mind of its own. Even more so when the roads turn to freezing white sheets of slippery glass. This is just the time you want panicky people driving like mad to snatch up the last cans of SPAM and Hormel Chili that the Stop and Shop has on it's shelf. What a sad eulogy it would be if you wrapped you car around a tree on the way to make this all important culinary purchase ...

"Here lies Gern Blansten, he loved canned meats ...."

But it's never that simple. Because they never go alone. They want to take a couple of us with them. So they blow through red lights instead of trying to stop. Or worse they try to stop, but when you are going 50mph in a 12mph zone and you jam on the brakes with snow on the ground, the car does the exact opposite of what you intended. It speeds up. Fancy that.... Better to stay home, lock the doors and wait for the Spring ....

... Of course then you have the rainy season. Umbrella anyone? ....

I'm Talking to you Dummy.

2006-04-14T00:23:00.001-04:00

Random Thoughts In The Wee Hours

I just finished watching the movie "Dummy" with Adrien Brody and Milla Jojovich. It was cute and amusing. I will not put on my filmmaker hat for this one. I will address this as regular person who knows very little about film.
Ventriloquists. What is up with them. Think about this for a second. You take a guy (or a gal, but lets say guy for the sake of argument), you take a guy, sit a block of wood on his lap and he basically talks to himself.

Now, (stay with me here, this is where it gets good) if this same person had, say a watermelon on his lap or perhaps a gravy boat, and started talking to it (and then making it talk back) you could assume with a modicum of accuracy that this person is a whack job and should be in a nice padded room where he can't do any harm to himself or the fine china. Swap out said gravy boat for a a block of wood with a mouth and we pay him to entertain small humans and old people.

Now here is the other interesting thing. I think ventriloquists tend to entertain the elderly and the very young for one simple reason. Neither of them can really run away. They are pretty much stuck there. No hope of escape. And you notice that niether the elderly nor the extremely young ever call up the local ventriloquist union hall (or wherever it is they congregate) and say "Hey, we need Mr. Phips and Sparky over here right away!" No, it's always some 36 year old activities director or a parent in their late twenties. Not to mention the fact that as soon as the Ventriloquist shows up, said Activities Director and Parents make a bee-line for the break room or the back deck (respectively). They don't actually hang around to watch the psychopathic behavior taking place in the common room/TV room. But there's more. While the psychopath talks to himself, inevitably a child will begin to cry hysterically (not because she is scared, but because of the sheer pity she feels for this poor soul talking to a potential hat stand or salad spoon). And then ultimately an elerly person will wet themselves. No reason, the elderly just do that.

So tell me. What is the fascination? I mean, you know the dummy isn't alive. You know it's not talking. So basically you are sitting there watching this guy (usually in a bad suit and bow tie) making jokes and laughing at them. All I can think of is the awful ventriloquist in "Broadway Danny Rose". Barney Dunn. And as Woody says, "When they can't get an animal act they call Barney". At least Barney Dunn was funny, because he stuttered (perhaps that's cruel) but hey, show biz is brutal. Really it's enough already with the ventriloquists.

Now, let's talk about Mimes....

RE-POST: Happy Battle of Appomattox Court House - Day

2006-04-08T12:27:00.001-04:00

How many folks out there knew that 141 years ago today Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House Virginia, which, for all practical purposes ended the War Between the States or The American Civil War as it is commonly called.
Over 600,000 Americans gave their lives (that's on both side folks) fighting for causes they believed in. Over 1.2 million men fought in that war.
For my money, the conflict that began on April 12, 1861 and ended almost 4 years to the day of those first shots being fired on Fort Sumter, are some of the most important in our history as a country. Unfortunately, this stuff isn't taught in the schools anymore. They spend 4 days on the Civil War.

Day 1 - Abraham Lincoln is elected President
Day 2 - The South secedes from the union because they don't want to give up their slaves (is the over simplified or what?)
Day 3 - The Union Wins
Day 4 - Lincoln Frees the slaves and then is shot..... NEXT!

What is most important about the ACW (American Civil War) is that is was the ultimate test. That's right a test. Let me explain,

The American Revolution, everyone would agree is a pretty important event in our history. Let's face it without that when would we shoot off fireworks and eat burgers and dogs. (I kid here .... )
The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution all would agree are pretty important documents. so important that Dolly Madison thought to roll them up and send them out of the Capitol before the British could burn it down.

However ....

Had the South successfully seceded from the Union it all would have been for naught. It had only been 77 years since the Constitution had been ratified by all of the States and 88 years since the signing of the Declaration. This was a brand new country. This conflict was the test of this new experiment called Democracy. Nobody had ever attempted this. It was unknown territory. This was the first major bump in the historical road. If the Union failed, then Democracy failed.

Now, I understand all of the arguments regarding "States Rights" and I agree with some of them. I also believe that the majority of Soldiers who fought for the Confederacy believed they were fighting against Northern Aggression not for the institution of slavery (as most of them neither owned or would ever own slaves).

All of this aside, what this bloody and costly conflict accomplished was solely the unification of this country. The South has never gotten over the loss and the disaster that was "Reconstruction". And while it's nice to think that the war ended Slavery, the reality is that within 20 years the institution of slavery would have been eclipsed by the coming industrial revolution if for no other reason then economic ones. I am not saying that Slavery was not an abomination because it was. But the myth that Abe Lincoln was the great emancipator and that he freed the slaves needs to be put to bed. Again, this is a whole other piece of history.

My point here, despite all this historical drivel that some of you may find interesting, is that our history, yours and mine (If you are an American) is being erased by PC curriculums, poor understanding of history by our teachers and a general lack of interest by most of the population of this country.

Lets face it, Memorial Day is a day for BBQ's, Car Sales and 3 day weekends.

For most people the 4th of July is about fireworks and Beer. The date has no meaning. How many people do you know can name ten of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Veteran's Day comes and goes with little fanfare at all. Presidents day is basically an advertisement for every Motor Company Sale of the year.

Well today, April 9, is about as important a day as any of the ones I mentioned. It is a day that ended a war that took more American lives than all the other wars we have fought put together. It ended a war that split this country to it's core and had brother literally killing brother. It was a war that tested the very fabric of what our founding fathers stood for against King George and his parliament and fought and died to give us.

On this Day 141 years ago, April 9, 1865 General Grant could have spanked the naughty "Rebels" by arresting and trying their officers as traitors. By imprisoning the entire Army of Northern Virginia (which at the point only had about 15,000 men).

But he didn't.

He gave parole to the entire army and made sure they were all fed and clothed for their long trip back South, Back Home.
He allowed the officers to keep their swords. He refused Robert Lee's sword, He gave them their dignity, He understood that this day, was a day for healing. The union troops were instructed not to jeer or cheer after the surrender. During the surrender, General Joshua Chamberlain saluted the Southern General John B. Gordon out of respect and it is still talked about to this day. They all understood what was at stake. They all understood that this was history.

It is a day that represents the very best of what we as Americans can be. That we are all Americans. Contrary to what some folks on the "right" would like to believe. We are all Americans. Proud Americans, Proud to live in the greatest country on the planet. Proud enough to point out when we think our country and government is going down the wrong path. That is what this day means. These men fought and died to preserve my right to disagree at the top of my lungs with the current administration. It doesn't make me un-American. It makes 100% American.
That's what today means.
God Bless The Union and God Bless America.

We're Born Again, There's New Grass On The Field

2006-04-03T12:35:00.000-04:00

Opening Day.
All the sins of last season are washed away.
New opportunities for greatness shine like a freshly chalked first base line.
Pedro's toe, Delgado's shoulder and Beltran's bat.
Opening day at Shea stadium is like being born again. Every Met fan has the September mantra burned into thier souls. Maybe next year...
Well this is next year. This is the year we have been waiting for since Oct. 1986.
This is the team.
This is the year.
Opening Day 2006.

"Got a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and brand-new pair of shoes
You know I think it's time to give this game a ride
Just to hit the ball and touch 'em all - a moment in the sun
It's gone and you can tell that one goodbye"

Play Ball.

SONS OF BITCHES AND THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

2006-03-30T21:06:00.000-05:00

SONS OF BITCHES AND THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT
3 Episodes and they caved. "The Book of Daniel" is no more.
NBC should change their name to the "Jellyfish Channel". What happened to freedom of speech? What happened to creative freedom? I'll tell you what happened. These are just words that mean nothing unless the bible thumping, witch burning, gay bashing, jew hating, liberal loathing white rednecks all over this country say it doesn't offend them. Well you know what?
YOU CAN ALL GO FUCK YOURSELVES.
Yes I liked "The Book of Daniel". I thought it was a well written, intelligent and thought provoking show. Clearly these are all things that the the religious right doesn't like or understand. These people are so frightened of ideas not there own that they must shout all other thoughts down. So we burn witches, beat up homosexauls, burn down synagogues and keep women from voting or working. It definitely explains how President Pin head got elected (well stole) a second election.

Fear of new ideas is an epidemic below the mason dixon line as well as the "fly over states". READ A BOOK YOU MORONS (besides the bible). Oh I forgot, you have burned anything worth reading.

These are the same mental midgets who believe that "Intelligent Design" is a scientific theory. Well they do have a handful of Scientists who back that up. Of course they are good christians also so they will go directly to hell if they dissent.

You fuckers have co-opted my country and I am getting tired of it. Your time is coming. Your president has screwed up this country and world for the last 5 years and the backlash that is coming is going to suck the black velvet Jesus paintings right off your walls like an Atlantic City Hooker at closing time. You're not Americans. You're biggots, racists, homophobes, neophobes and any other phobe I can think of. Fear is way of life for you. Fear of strangers, fear of change fear of things you don't understand (which is just about everyhthing that has happened after 1776.) This country wasn't made for you. You just think it is. It's easy for our dim-witted president to shut out the rest of the world, but the world is watching, The USA has become a laughing stock in the international community and I am tired of it.

And NBC, I am finished with you also. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. ASHAMED. Ask yourself why people with intelligence watch more pay TV than Network. I am sure you will just fill the void with another reality show. Perhaps the religious right would approve of Jesus TV. ALL JESUS, All the Time.

NBC = National Bitch (of the Religious Right) Company.

Spin Bob Spin

2006-03-30T21:04:00.000-05:00

Never under estimate the truly clueless...
There I am sitting on the subway, heading back to Brooklyn after a very satisfying evening watching my Rangers beat Toronto. I am sitting there minding my own business when who should step onto the train but Bob Marley. OK it wasn't Bob Marley, hell it wasn't even Jacob Marley though a dead man would have been more talented. Two hundred dollar leather shoes, three hundred dollar (at least) 3/4 length P-Coat, Exquisitely manicured corn rows that fell gingerly down around his shoulders and a better than decent acoustic guitar with the appropriate hundred and fifty dollar gig bag. The man could not play a lick. Why is it that people who can't play or sing choose to defame Bob Marley. What did Bob ever do to them? "Redemption Song" becomes "Revulsion Song" and then he wants me to give him money for it. The guy's dressed better than me for Christ's sake. If the guy really feels the need to express himself (poorly) then why doesn't he sing a Madonna song or better yet, Mariah Carey. Bob certainly doesn't deserve this kind of treatment and I am sure he is spinning like a whirlpool dishwasher in his grave.

Speaking of Bob's, how many times do I have to hear "Knocking on Heaven's Door" butchered but by some rich white kid from Westchester who is spending the day slumming in his ghetto gear and pre-treated dread locks who couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle on it yet they think they are channeling Bob Dylan, who by the way isn't dead though based on his association with "Cold Mountain" and the subsequent video you might wish he was. (was that the longest run on sentence in history or what).

It reminds me of those High School parties where inevitably somebody would produce a guitar and every guy in the room would take a turn trying to get through bad renditions of "Horse with No Name", "Stairway to Heaven" and "Freebird". Everything is great, the girls hang around and sing the guys are feeling really cool until the guy who really knows how to play shows up and screws up everything. Then it's time for the hacks to go back into the kitchen and the backyard in order to find that one girl who is drunk enough to think that getting naked with them is a good idea but not so drunk that they throw up on the wanna be Neil Youngs/Gordon Lightfoots or accuse them of heinous things the next morning.

But Buskers in the subway are the worst. They always pick some song that they have no chance in hell of being able to preform well, yet, there they are. It's kind of like "Idol America" that way, with the edition of the pungent aroma of urine and subway grime. A joy for one and all to behold. Now isn't that kind of entertainment worth a quarter.

The Grass is always greener on somebody else's blog

2006-03-30T20:54:00.000-05:00

OK, so LiveJournal was really no better than Blogger and much more difficult to deal with, so I am back on Blogger. I will transfer some of the more interesting things from over there here just to keep things tidy.

There are some interesting things on the horizon. Another film project perhaps .... Mum's the word for now.

"AQT" is just about done. I will be listening to the final sound mix next Thursday and I am told the color correction is just about done also.

I have one other little tidbit happening which I am hesitant to mention as that is always the death knell for everything I do, but, there is a chance, that you may be able to read my ramblings at a bookstore near you in the coming future ... more than that I cannot say....

Moving to a New and Happy Place

2006-02-01T17:29:00.000-05:00

I have had it with blogger. Had it.
SO
This is where you can now find my ranting and raving.

If you are interested.

http://fieldingmellish.livejournal.com/

Come play.

Idol America

2006-01-18T01:42:00.000-05:00

Tonight for the first time I watched “American Idol”. I have avoided it (and the rest of the reality TV universe) with extreme prejudice for quite some time. Unfortunately tonight was a perfect storm. There was very little else on the tube (see the March 14th blog on Network TV) and I needed to get some writing done so I left Fox on after Seinfeld ended. So on comes “Idol America” excuse me, I mean “American Idol”. I couldn’t be bothered to turn the channel so I let it play.

I have one question and one question only.

Do these people have no shame?
Clearly the answer is no,

Now I am not comparing them to the Jerry Springer crowd (though there is clearly some cross over). These people are worse than horrible. I hade to mute the TV for a number of these freaks. It’s one thing to get up at a Karaoke bar when you are polluted on margaritas and belt out “Lady Marmaleide” but it is something completely different to do it on National TV and then get angry when Simon tell you that you sing like crap and should get out of the business.

Everybody rags on Simon for being a prick, well you know what? The man is right on the money. These people suck and the music business just like the film business doesn’t cut anyone slack. He is just doing what any record company A&R exec would do. He’s just doing it on TV.

The funny thing is, the worse these people are, the more outraged they are when they don’t’ make the cut. They blame the judges. “The judges don’t know what they are talking about.” “The judges don’t know talent when they see it.” The trouble is they are not seeing it. There was one freak on tonight who was so sure he was going to win the whole thing that when he came in to sing he boasted how he can sing on 3 different levels. He was so bad you couldn’t even say he sang poorly, because that would do an injustice to people who sing poorly. They actually gave him a second chance (which I didn’t understand, other than it made for good TV) and when he came back he actually sang the bawdy Frat song from “Trading Places” of course none of the judges knew that (it just shows how poorly they are schooled on pop culture) and he did it so poorly that it was embarrassing. When he walked out of the room the second time he still didn’t get the fact that he really should never be allowed to sing anywhere at anytime ever again.

My assumption is that at the end of this blight on Network TV they actually pick somebody who has what the marshmallow fluff pop music industry is trying to shove down the public gullet. But at what cost? Thousands of people with no talent line up for days to audition for something they have no shot at getting and this is considered “Must See TV”. It’s almost more embarrassing for the folks who invest so much in this show and who they are going to “vote” for. All of these folks need to get a life.

Or a Karaoke machine….

The Book of Daniel - At least for now...

2006-01-10T17:32:00.001-05:00

Did anyone watch the inaugural episode of "The Book of Daniel"? Well I did.
I liked it. Really liked it. Which of course means it won't last five episodes.
And why won't it last five episodes you ask?
Well there are a number of reasons.
1. It is well written.
2. It has a great cast (really really top quality)
3. It is funny yet serious.
4. The humor is intelligent and requires a little effort.
5. It co-stars Jesus, an adulterous bishop and a vicodin popping priest who has a gay son, a dope dealing daughter, an alcoholic wife (who has a lesbian sister) and an over-sexed adopted son of Asian descent.

All the makings for a TV show with a conservative bullseye on it's back. There hasn't been a show with this kind of quality character development and risk taking story line since "Soap" (which by the way had the 1st primetime gay character, faithfully portrayed by Billy Crystal).

This past Monday night I am sure there were conservative heads exploding all over this country.
I can hear them popping ...
At least for the next couple of weeks ....

And a happy new year to all.

2006-01-06T23:39:00.000-05:00

I realize I have been away awhile and I am sure there is no one reading this blog anymore, but as I really only write for myself anyway I shall continue to waste people's time with my observations.

Observation #1: The New Year came very early this year ...

Observation #2: I really miss reruns of "The Odd Couple" "The Honeymooners" and "Hogans Heros".

Observation #3: After 5 days of MTA strike hubub on every TV channel, radio staion and newspaper during X-Mas week, it is now as if it never happened. Either New Yorkers have very short memories or are very forgiving (I would suggest the former). I myself am still pissed off and hope our less than useless Governer sticks by his guns and presses every person that walked off the job, the union leaders, and the union for the millions of dollars of fines levied by the courts.

Observation #4: Toilet training of a 3 year old girl is only enjoyable in that it is the only road to the end of diapers.

Observation #5: The film buisness still sucks, but I don't care, my last film is just about finished.

Observation #6: I am enjoying watching the current administration and the Republican party single handedly tear itself apart with no help from the spineless Democrats.

Observation #7: Even though I am no big fan of sub zero weather, NYC just isn't NYC when it is 54 degrees in January.

Observation #8: Coke Zero is addictive.

Observation #9: Being married for 9 years has been easier than I ever thought it could have been (clearly I chose the right person).

Observation #10: I hope 2006 is better than 2005 (and 2005 wasn't as bad as it could have been ....)

Can you wag it on a train? Can you wag it in the Rain?

2005-10-11T16:31:00.000-04:00

No this dog will not wag George I am.
Terror level Red.
Oh MY….
Just life in NYC
Right ….

Does anyone find it at all interesting that the day that a couple of opinion poles come out (last Friday) showing Bush’s ratings dropping like pigeon crap on Lord Admiral Nelson’s head in Trafalgar Square, we mysteriously have a terror alert here in NYC? I mean come on guys.

Same old song and dance my friend.

Unfortunately, this time, the mayor of New York City, (a mayor I am not terribly fond of, but have to respect) took matters into his own hands and against the wishes of most of the Fed, released the information before the President’s cronies could make hay of the incident.

So…

Instead of being the President who found out about an alleged terrorist plot ( I believe that’s what they are calling it now) and saving the day with quick “decisive” action on the part of the intelligence community he had to claim the threat as “unsubstantiated” because it was too late for him to be the hero. The dog was out of the bag so to speak. This was one dog who’s tail wasn’t going to wag. His timing however, is impeccable. He is getting slammed 9 ways from Sunday and he needed something to halt the hemorrhage of blood from his presidential femoral artery.

Starting with the amazing cock up that was the Katrina fiasco, including his college drinking buddy as the head of FEMA or the ex head of FEMA another close friend who was already lining up the construction contracts for the New Orleans rebuild.

Iraq, which has become (well it always was) Viet Nam without the lush vegetation and under brush. The death toll keeps rising and he has no clue as how to get us out of there.

His own right wing base wants his testes on a platter because he is considering putting a non-reactionary non right wing non ultra conservative woman on the bench of the highest court in the land. Of course the spineless Democrats finally can now just watch the Republicans implode over this one. The thing I love is that George had clearly searched the land. Hi and low. He has interviewed every federal justice now sitting or who ever sat on the bench, and through his infinite wisdom, he has concluded, that the finest possible candidate in all the land is …. His personal attorney. Good thing his lawyer isn’t H&R Block, he would have a real tough time picking one Block for the bench.

George has got his Johnson in a ringer and his only hope at deflecting some of this was to put some terror back in our lives. Well…

Georgie, I am here to tell you that most New Yorkers barely gave it a notice after Friday afternoon. You see, once you have seen the towers fall, you know when it’s real and when it’s just politics. You have been playing politics with us too long Georgie boy. Orange alert level right after the Democratic convention, that was ingenious. Rove definitley earned his pesos with that one. Our Mayor, while technically part of your party, doesn’t really like you and really has no use for politicians in general. Beleive it or not his first responsibility is to the people of NYC. So if you want use NYC for your own gain, next time you are really going to have drop something on us if you want our attention.

Don’t ask for whom the bells toll W, because their tolling for you. NYC will not be your play thing anymore.

I’m Bruce Wayne … From Bombay ... Really

2005-09-29T18:25:00.001-04:00

OK, how many people have had phone calls recently from someone named Peter Parker or John Smith or Steve Jones or Bruce Banner but they sound surprisingly like the pimp from “Bachelor Party”? Oh and the call was from your bank? Possibly CHASE?

Well I got one from John Smith on Saturday and let me tell you, it pissed me off. I thought it was just me but I just got a phone call from a buddy of mine telling me he just got a call from (and I shit you not) Peter Parker but he sounded nothing like Tobey Maguire or Paul Soles (the voice of the 1967 Peter Parker/Spiderman cartoon), nope he sounded like Gandhi or Baboo Bot from “Seinfeld.

What are these people thinking?

I mean it’s bad enough that they are shipping every job that is not nailed down over seas but to have to get a call from my bank (actually credit card company) and have some guy in New Delhi trying to pass himself off as an American, well in the words of Yosemite Sam, That burns my biscuits. Don’t get me wrong I am no jingoist flag waver but I do resent having my intelligence insulted. Do they think that nobody will notice. I have known many people from India and Pakistan and let me tell you, not one of them has been named Fred Williamson or Marvin Rabinowitz.

So what’s the point? Why would a big corporation like CHASE allow this type of thing to go on within the ranks of their sales group?

Perhaps they think that a foreign name would put people off?

Hmm. Not more than hearing somebody who sounds like Apoo tell me their name is Robert Young.

So what is the reasoning behind such a blatantly stupid yet deliberate act of fraud.

Yes it’s fraud, there I said, you can too . FRAUD.

Sure if Sanjay Singh called me up to tell me about the new things that CHASE wants to sell me I would hang up on him also, but, and here’s the big difference, I wouldn’t abuse him first the way I abused John Smith. I told Mr. Smith that, actually it went something like this:

Me: Hello
JS: Hello Mr. ________ my name is John Smith and I am calling from CHASE BANK to tell you…
Me: Excuse me? What’s your name?
JS: John Smith and I am calling from CHASE BANK to (they always have to start their spiel all over from the beginning if you interrupt them)
Me: No you’re not. No way are you John Smith. You’re Sanjay Singh from Bombay
SJ: No I’m not, I am John Smith and I am calling from CHASE BANK
Me: Don’t give me that, you’re a telemarketer sitting in the black hole of Calcutta and you ain’t no godamn John Smith. Don’t call here anymore.

Then I hung up. Had he just said his real name I would have hung up on him right away without the added abuse. Granted I enjoy that kind of thing. But all the same, CHASE BANK is going to quickly lose my business because of stunts like that.

Just one more corporation under estimating the intelligence of the public.

Oh did I mention it was

CHASE BANK. SENDING ALL THOSE JOBS OVERSEAS.

CHASE BANK, TAKING FOOD OUT OF THE MOUTH OF AMERICANS.

CHASE PAYING PEOPLE TO MAKE BELIEVE THEY ARE JOHN SMITH…

I went to school with John Smith sir and I can tell you here and now that you are no JOHN SMITH!!!!

Don Adams(1923 -2005) ....Would you believe....?

2005-09-27T23:23:00.001-04:00

This was a funny guy.
Nobody could deliver such absurd dialogue with absolute seriousness better than Don Adams. He was part of a group of comedians which have not been remotely paralleled in the last 40 years. Buck Henry, Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Sid Caesar these guys brought the funny. It wasn't dumbed down for the masses. It wasn't (for the most part) test marketed to chimpanzees in the Congo for an approval rating. It was raw, intelligent, irreverent and more than anything else, it was funny.

Really funny.

Don Adams had a way of delivering a line so that even though he was deadly serious, you were laughing before the payoff of the joke even reached the screen. Whether he was voicing "Tennessee Tuxedo, The Penguin With a Plan" or as Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, defender of justice and thorn in the side of KAOS and Bernie Koppell. He had no peer. He was an original often copied, never surpassed.

I am thrilled that a younger generation was able to enjoy him as the voice of "Inspector Gadget" but his true genius was his delivery coupled with his facial expressions. In case you never got to see it, he had a show in the mid 70's called "Don Adam's Screen Test". It was a great show where ordinary people from the audience would be put into famous scenes (very often perfect replicas of the actual set) with real actors (some times famous, I recall Don Rickles being a regular guest) and as they shot it, the comedy of recreating the scene was hysterical even when the scene wasn't supposed to be. It was the kind of TV that I really miss when I see ads for "The Apprentice 1, 2 & 3" or "Survivor. Unfortunately, those days are long gone.

Oh and the next time you watch "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" listen for the voice of Comet the reindeer coach as he chastises poor Rudolph for his blinkin beacon ... It's Don.

Agent 86, you've been relieved of duty ... but I hear they have great job waiting for you up there ... Ok, would you believe ....

Dickless, no life, pathetic couch potato computer addicts.

2005-09-23T10:50:00.001-04:00

Don't you just hate weasels.
We've had an anonymous asshole (no balls, just anonymous) harrassing us about my posting parts of my production journal on the web. Well, when we asked this person to tell us who they were they didn't have the balls to fess up. But they most be all knowing ...
Well of course we aren't going to listen to them. However, this waste of space went and found a journal my former partner published during our last feature film and felt the need to post it here. With names in it. Due to this fact I had to delete the post because I don't know how to delete the comment. Owing to the amount of spineless no-lifers out there who have nothing better to do with their time than harrass other people who do have lives, I have been forced to make the commenting on this site members only. For my regular non-anonymous readers and friends, just drop me a note and I will put you on the list if you so desire.
For all of you anonymous, cowardly, wastes of flesh and oxygen, you can come to Brooklyn and kiss my ass in person.

AQT - PRODUCTION DIARY #3 - reposted

2005-09-20T09:26:00.001-04:00

Wednesday, August 3,
One down three to go.
What can I say, the first weekend of shooting was everything I had hoped it would be and more. For the most part the actors came prepared and on time. We had very few technical problems and we finished up three scenes ahead of where we planned.

I wound up cutting two scenes out of hand once we were out there. They were superfluous and un- necessary. That became clear once I had a chance to see the scenes before and after.

I just finished capturing all the video and sound footage from the three days. I am mostly happy with what I am looking at. I seem to have some communication problems with my DP as he does not always understand what I would like him to do. I am chalking this up to this being our first weekend working together. I am sure it will get better.

J is flying in tomorrow night and he will be a welcomed addition. It seems things are moving along quite nicely with “Nailed” and it’s getting into the hands of the people who need to see it. So with any luck, when he returns to England in two weeks he will be meeting with a number of people who are interested in giving us money.

I am still concerned about the actress playing Carol Ann. The quality I saw in her at the audition is not coming through, mostly I think because she is not off book yet. With any luck she will be on track by Friday.

9-11-05

2005-09-11T20:55:00.000-04:00

4 Years.
Never Forget.
Be glad your alive.
Hug somebody, give somebody a kiss.
Say thank you to somebody who should have been thanked.
Call somebody you should have called a long time ago and didn't

Never Forget that it is good to be alive....

I'm Back!!!!

2005-09-10T23:45:00.002-04:00

And the first rough cut of the movie is finished. I have been working like a dog since the last week of July to get to this point. I am updating my production journal and I will start posting pieces of it just as soon as I make sense of my illegible notes.

It was definitely a production filled with moments of stress, euphoria and exhaustion. There were a number of people fired and other people hired. There were many highs and fewer lows. But for the most part, it was a great success and I think I have a film that I can be proud of. Whether or not anyone else will like it .... I could care less. I made this movie for myself.

And myself is damn pleased!

AQT - PRODUCTION DIARY #2

2005-07-28T11:28:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, July 26,
3 days to go…
Still not sure when or even if J is going to get over here for this but I am beginning to really want him here. Just to keep the boat going steady in one direction. But, there’s still time.

We had our tech scout yesterday. This is when the whole crew (in this case 4 of us) go to each location and discuss all of the technical aspects of the shoot. Where the camera will go, are there any potential sound issues, truck access etc… Everything went fine.

I just finished a two hour session with my actress who is playing Danielle. She has great instincts and understood what I wanted without me actually having to tell her. She showed up having already figured out who the character really was down deep and is already in a place that I need her to be when we shoot her first scene on Saturday. Though I am not surprised, as she was one of the two actresses that knocked it out of the park at their audition. I expect big things from her.

Rehearsal tomorrow night will be my best gauge for whether or not my actors will be off book for their scenes this weekend. I actually have very little to worry about, except for one of them, who I do have some doubts about his/her ability to be off book (actually I am not alone in this fear, both my AD and Prod. Manager have the same fear). But only time will tell and I may yet be pleasantly surprised.

Everything else seems to be on schedule. There is a chance of rain on Friday, but there’s not a whole lot we can do about that. It’s just scattered showers so we may have to shoot between the rain. This is what Guerrilla film is all about.

Thursday, July 28,
1 day to go….
Last night’s rehearsal was great. We got a lot of good work done and my concerns about certain actors not being off book have been layed to rest. I think we are going to be fine. We have a number of scenes that we are hoping to shoot if the day goes as planned (As I think it will) and if by chance it rains (though it doesn’t look like it right now) we are covered as all of my actors are available and we will be ale to shoot another scene at my house and we will be able to light it to look like a sunny morning.

Everything seems to be falling into place. Still no word from J (did I mention how much I hate the French?) I think he is supposed to be back tomorrow, but I really wish he would check his e-mail today.

Well, once more into the breach dear friends…..

AQT - PRODUCTION DIARY #1

2005-07-21T09:35:00.000-04:00

OK, so as promised, I began a production diary for the new project which is tentatively titled "A QUESTION OF TIME". Things are moving along pretty well, but I will let all of you be the judge:

Friday July 8,
So, I met with my script supervisor this morning at Bubby’s my old stomping ground. It was nice. Saw some old friends, got to catch up with her and best of all she is going to Script Super the second half of the shoot. I have scheduled it accordingly. Loading up all the dialogue heavy scenes into the last two weeks. More work for her but I know she loves it.

More inappropriate head shots coming in from people who have never worked before who are under the impression that Guerrilla Film means, any crap acting will do and that I will desperately take anyone that waltz’s though my door just because they have done me the favor of answering an internet ad.

WRONG.

I have 17 people showing up Wed. night and if they all suck then none of them will get hired. I will not settle or compromise on this one.

Sunday July 10,
I spoke with my partner J yesterday after he read the script. He loved it. We both agreed that it’s not on the same level as nailed, but I suspect I shall never write another script on the level of “Nailed”. He has two great comments both of which I have fixed. One was just a line but it changed the whole tenor of the scene. The other, is a rather feel good twist to the ending. Under normal circumstances, I might have problem with this but in the context of the this particular story, it’s really the whole point of the story. He’s quite sharp my buddy J.

I told him about using “One Moment in Time” for the closing credits and at the same time we both came up with the idea to have his wife sing it. So I sent him the mp3 demo I made of it and the lyrics.

Monday July 11,
J loved the song as did M and she is really excited about singing it. So when we go over there in Oct. I will bring the required gear to facilitate that.

I found myself an intern. Not just an intern but a smart, aggressive self starter who just happens to live around the block from me. D is going to be a real asset to this project. I feel confident that she will be able to handle the on set AD duties as well as being available to S (my production manaager).

We did a location scout yesterday and I think we are in good shape location-wise. We found a great little spot just below the Brooklyn Bridge where there is a set of steps that rises to the sky and has this amazing reveal of the bridge. It is going to be breathtaking.

J hasn’t been able to find a cheap flight to get over here yet but we are still hoping to work that bit out.

On the brighter side J gave "Nailed" to the first of our money possibilities yesterday. That’ the next step in the “Nailed Saga” hopefully the response will be similar to all the previous responses we have gotten so far.

Only time can tell...

Thursday July 12,
So, auditions last night ….
I really hate auditions and casting sessions. I tell you, I could never be an actor. The amount of rejection that actors have to deal with would probably drive me to homicide. We actually had 14 out of 17 people show up and that’s pretty damn good even under the best of circumstances and I know that one of the no-shows must have been too embarrassed to come back as she showed up at 9:15am first and called me to find out why no one was there. If she really had the fire required for doing this type of film she not only would have come back again at night but been there early just in case. Instead she let her embarrassment take the place of her desire to work and bailed. Better now than when it gets tough later.

Most of the folks who read for us last night were better than average with the exception of 2. One who just should never have answered the ad to begin with and who should really consider a career change and another one who was just so wrong for the part. I actually might have considered casting this person in one of the smaller roles if I hadn’t already decided on someone I know already.

What was really nice was that I had enough quality actors show up that I actually had to make a choice between 2 for each of the principals. Which is much better then what I feared would be the reality, me settling for what I could get.

2 of the actresses just knocked it right out of the park on their first go. I am happy.

So, on to the next phase. Table reading on Sunday night then rehearsal on Wed.

I spoke to Joe this morning. He is going to make it over here regardless of the cost it seems. As I understand it, the money people who are looking at “Nailed” are having the same reaction to the script as everyone else. This is a good thing.

All in all, I am quite content.

Friday, July 13
Well it was a hard choice but I made it. I have a cast and I think they are all going to bring a performance level to the project that I was hoping for.

Sunday, July 15,
Tonight was the first reading of the script and I would have to say, in all humility that we have quite a project here. All of the actors really understood their parts and the script really moved. It came in at about one hour and twenty five minute so with all the added stuff it should run about 90- 95 minutes. A perfect length for this type of script. We got to know each other a bit and it seems we are all on the same page. Wed, is our first rehearsal and I am realy looking forward to that.

Wednesday, July 20,
First rehearsal. What can I say. Everything I expected and more. It’s kind of amazing the different ways that Actors and Directors view the world. For me as a director these preliminary rehearsals are all about finding the rhythm, moments and the emotional level of the scene. For many actors, they view these rehearsals as fumbling in the dark to find their character, beginning to get off book (which means memorizing the whole script) and trying to figure out what I want. What’s funny about that is at this early point in the process, I am not always exactly sure what I want until I hear my words spoken and see it on it’s feet. So as the dance begins, both sides are feeling one another out.

The big difference between theatre and film, is that for most actors, theatre is an on going exploration of character and themes. Film is inherently the opposite of that. We capture one moment in time and that’s all they get. Some directors, Sydney Lumet being one of the best known, like to spend a few weeks and rehearse the whole movie down to the finest blocking movements. There are other directors who won’t rehearse at all. Woody Allen never rehearses his actors. He gives them the script and lets them loose. Once they are on set, he will walk through the scene with the actors and point out specific locations where he would like certain lines delivered but he rarely give actors “direction”. Of course if you look at the actors he has worked with over the years it’s easy to understand how that can work for him.

I fall somewhere in the middle. Coming from a theatre background, I do recognize the value that some rehearsal does serve. I like to use it as a tool to get the actors to begin to feel comfortable with each other. Particularly if there is supposed to be some history between the two characters. But I digress…

The rehearsal was great. We accomplished everything we needed to and then some. We roll camera a week from tomorrow and I think we are in good shape.
For now…

Done and Done

2005-07-07T19:17:00.000-04:00

So, the script is done and it took all of two days. I thought, and mulled and scrapped and invented and deleted and cursed and asked and ignored and read and watched for 4 weeks. Last Thursday while searching through my script archive I came across an idea that was poignant last week but even more so after the events that took place today in London.
I wrote the first 45 pages at my in-laws house this past Sunday (what else is there to do in Central Pennsylvania) and the second 45 pages Tuesday.
I think it's quite good (if I do say so myself). My DP just phoned me (he just finished reading it) and he thought it was outstanding. So...
We are auditioning actors a week from yesterday and rolling camera 3 weeks from tomorrow. My partner from England is going to fly over for half the shoot to get a little hands on filmmaking experience so that should be a lot of fun.

I think I am going to keep a production diary for this one so I will post those at the end of each three day section of the shoot (we are shooting Fridays -Sundays starting on 7/29). It's a 12 day shoot and we will be trying to shoot between 7 & 9 pages a day.

For those of you who don't understand any of this, in film terms, a page of script is roughly a minute of screen time. Except for when it's not. In the script for "Gone With The Wind", the burning of Atlanta took up exactly 1/8 of a page (script pages are broken up into 1/8's, a half a page being 4/8's you do the math). So in the script it said "ATLANTA BURNS". I can tell you that it took a lot more than a minute of screen time. But I digress.

7 to 9 pages a day is a lot if you are shooting a Hollywood movie, but it's about average if you are shooting a no budget 90 page script in 12 days.

So, hopefully, you will get a little inside look into the process of making no budget indie film. It may bore you. It may fascinate you, it may even inspire you to make you're own movie.
OR,
no one may read this and it's just for me. As that is why am making this film (just for me) then that's OK too.

I'm Back

2005-06-30T09:23:00.000-04:00

These last two weeks have been pretty rough and I appreciate all of the support I have gotten from my friends both here and in the 3D world.
So what's new in Charlie land...
Our new script is getting rave reviews from all the right people over there in the UK. Even I am a little surprised. As after this last fiasco I was starting to doubt my own sense of what is good and what sucks.
We just made our cast wish list and I have to tell you, it's a doozy. But hey, why not shoot for the stars (no pun intended).

I had an idea that I was working on for my Cassevetes-esque director/actor project but I have lost the fire for that particular story. So I am back to the drawing board and I need to finish the script by July 11 so I am quickly running out of time. So I am still welcoming stories and character studies from all of you out there.

TJ - one bizarre day in your life ought to do it.
CD - Perhaps a day in your life also.

I have just gotten a freelance job shooting market research interviews in and around NYC. It is stupid as all get out but I get paid to shoot and ask strangers questions. Which I do for free on my own ducumentary stuff so this is better. At least for now.

And last but not least, I finally moved my office down to the basement (as opposed to the great room feast table) and it is great. I have all of me gear set up and I can actually get things done. The only hitch is that there is no a/c down there yet and I am dripping sweat on my keyboard as I type (right now). So I am off to loews to rectify this.

Brian Pohanka - March 20, 1955 - June 15, 2005

2005-06-18T15:25:00.000-04:00

My friend died Tuesday morning. It wasn't a surprise. We have been on what could be termed a "death watch" for about a month now. But he passed away in his sleep Tuesday morning.
I didn't know him very long (4 years) but in that time we developed a bond.

He was a well known historian and a bit of a celebrity in the world of Civil War Re-enacting and Civil War History. His was a pioneer within the preservation community (Preserving Civil War battlefields), as he was one of the first people to realize that these precious sites needed to be saved from the developers tractors and he put his money where his mouth was. As well as his time and his pen.

All of this made my friend a very important and well known person in many historical circles. He has been seen on the History Channel as one of the historians on The Civil War Journal as well as Ken Burn's Civil War Documentary. He was the technical consultant on Glory, Gettysburg, Gods & Generals & Cold Mountain. He was probably the smartest person I have ever met or will ever meet. But all of that has been said or written in the various obituaries that have spring up since Tuesday.

My friend was also one of the kindest, noble and thoughtful people that I have ever had the pleasure to know. He was truly a man of the 19th Century. He would never bad mouth anyone, even when that person deserved it. He was helpful to a fault and did not hold a grudge. He was a true example of what it means to be "A Good Person". I know my gruff "Brooklynite" manner often made him laugh and more than once he took me to task on the way I handled a situation (I was less tactful than I ought to have been) but he never tore me down for it. I learned how to be a better person because of him.

Now he's gone. He leaves a legacy of preservation and vision behind him. But more than that he leaves an example of how people should behave towards each other. He has left a hole in the hobby and in our lives that can never be filled and in my opinion should not be. What we need to do is rise to his challenge. Be better people. Take up the fight in his name. I don't know about anyone else, but that's exactly what I am going to do.

Oh Captain, My Captain,
I will miss our daily e-mails. I will miss our film coversations around the fire. I'll miss your interesting theories regarding Dick Cheney and the Yeti. I'll miss your unending wealth of knowledge.
But most of all, I will miss you.
I will never forget you.
Your Pard
Charlie

Your Ideas Wanted Here!

2005-06-13T18:26:00.000-04:00

OK, in preperation for this large undertaking in the UK next year, I have decided to throw caution to the wind and shoot a micro-micro-micro mini (I mean small here) budget feature film this summer. I am thinking 4 or 5 actors at most, no crew but myself and my camera (with the actors taking turns holding the boom). What I don't have is an idea. A story (well not yet anyway). I am giving myself until the end of June to finsish the script so that I can shoot in August.
So, how does this affect you, my faithful readers and friends? You all have stories. ALL OF YOU, Some more interesting than others but you all have them,

ESPECIALLY YOU TJ.

So, if you fancy your story being hacked up and turned around and basically turned into something you will never recognize as your story please email me the ideas. I will give you full credit for the idea in the movie.

DON'T POST THEM HERE. THAT WOULD BE BAD.

After I choose the story I will post my choice here. Once the script is written (and copyrighted) I will post a synopsis here.
And after the film is finished I will send a copy to all who submitted "realistic ideas". Meaning that if you suggest I shoot Star Wars Xll I will ignore you.

Anyway, it seemed like a good way to kill some time this summer while waiting for the financing to come through on the UK shoot.

OK, your turn.

Two Weeks

2005-06-08T11:22:00.000-04:00

It's done!
At exactly 3:45am this morning.
It took exactly two weeks.
I can't believe it.
120 pages.
This was the fastest first draft of a script I have ever written and it's by no means crap. I am actually quite shocked at how good it is. I am my own worst critic and I have trashed, burned and deleted many a completed script after the first read.
This one ....
This one could be it.

Jeez, I'm tired.

Free At Last ... Oh Lordy ... (You know the rest)

2005-06-07T18:59:00.000-04:00

It’s Dead Jim …. And boy am I happy!!!!!!
I finally heard from my (ex) executive producer. As she was trying to explain to me why she hadn’t gotten back to me sooner and how she is still trying to track down the suck-butt of an investor I managed to get her to shut up long enough to tell her that we were done. That the game is over. We’re not playing anymore. It took a couple of seconds for it to register ( I really enjoyed those). Finally she said,”What?” and I said, we’re done here. Neither “P” or I find this amusing anymore. She said what do you mean, so I layed it out for her thusly;
1- Your lack of communication skills have fucked up this project from the minute you got involved.
2- You have taken the small, character driven script that had a cast attached, locations locked up and what was basically a “go movie” and turned it to a steaming pile of crap that I would be embarrassed to give to Keanu Reeves to read.
3- You have made numerous promises of which none ever came to fruition.
4- You forced us to make changes to our script that clearly you yourself didn’t even understand.
5- You don’t have the slightest clue about what independent film is.
6- You should really consider a career change
7- You have wasted a year of my life.

There was not much else to say except goodbye, which I said gladly. I feel as if a 5 year old weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Now, this new project, is a whole different story. The script is practically writing itself (I am on page 91 of what will most likely be 110 pages) and in my humble opinion it is the best 1st draft of a script I have ever written. As I finish large sections I have been sending them off to my partner “J” in the UK so he can Anglicize them. It’s great to have a new fresh project to be working on.

We are also beginning to lay the groundwork for the big move to UK. Though it’s most likely a year and half off, there are decisions we need to start making now, All in all I am pretty damn happy.

Go figure…

Back in the US of A

2005-06-01T09:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I have returned. Perhaps just for a little while. My desire to relocate to the UK has been tickled again. There are any number of blogs that will come out of my recent sojourn across the pond but the end result is that a new film project to be shot in England is in the works (which means I am working on the script right now, well not Right this moment) with the hopes of shooting exactly one year from now and relocating the family there not long after the film is finished.
You could say it was a productive week.
Ah, and the Guinness was damn fine.....

40 Questions - Why Me, Why Me?

2005-05-24T14:07:00.000-04:00

I saw this in Zazafooky's blog and it seemed like a good idea so I shall follow suit .... She is truly a trend setter....

1) My uncle once:
Tried to climb up the breakfront in my parent's living room while re-enacting the exodus of the Children of Israel during a Seder. I think he’d been smoking a bit too much Panama Red before the meal.

2) Never in my life:
Will I understand the hypocrisy of the religious right.

3) When I was five:
I started playing the drums.

4) High School was:
boring, full of dumbasses who were living the best days of their lives (little did they know at the time, can you say,"Would you like fries with that?") and not over fast enough.

5) I will never forget:
9-11

6) I once met:
I have met a lot of famous people and it means nothing. The best people I have met were not famous.

7) There’s this girl I knew who:
Who could make loud pussy farts on command – She was really popular at parties.

8 ) Once, at a bar:
I drank club soda – ONCE.

9) By noon I’m usually:
Buried in work while my daughter watches Mary Poppins or Mighty Wind for the 400th time.

10) Last night:
The Mets lost AGAIN.

11) If I only had:
the ability to finance my own films and retain complete creative control.

12) Next time I go to church:
Monkey’s will fly out of my ass first.

13) Terry Schiavo:
Was an unfortunate woman.

14) What worries me most:
The lack of humility and humanity expressed by the current administration.

15) When I turn my head left, I see:
A whining Child

16) When I turn my head right, I see:
a snoring Black Lab/Newfie mix

17) You know I’m lying when:
I don’t – well not much anyway.

18) What I miss most about the eighties:
Not a goddamn thing

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be:
Señor Benedict – “Much Ado About Nothing”

20) By this time next year:
I hope to have another finished feature film.

21) A better name for me would be:
Mr. President

22) I have a hard time understanding:
See Question #1 – and add to that the truly intolerant attitude towards the rest of the world. It makes m e sick.

23) If I ever go back to school I’ll:
Not gonna happen.

24) You know I like you if:
If I insult you within 5 minutes of meeting you.

25) If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be:
My wife,

26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro:
Genius, Genius, Funny Fuckin Guy & A joke ….

27) Take my advice, never:
believe anyone who tells you “Oh it will only take a minute” every thing takes 3 hours.

28) My ideal breakfast is:
Eggs Benedict – Extra Hollandaise / sausage/ Grits / Lots of coffee

29) A song I love, but do not have is:
It’s not possible.

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest:
You think better of it and go somewhere else, like Passaic.

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars:
Dutch, Something other people have, a good idea, generally skinny and sweaty.

32) Why won’t people:
Just shut the fuck up!

33) If you spend the night at my house:
I’d rather you didn’t.

34) I’d stop my wedding for:
It was so quick there wasn’t time enough to stop it.

35) The world could do without:
Religion and the zealots who preach it.

36) I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
Hmmm Nope.

37) My favorite blonde is:
Helen Hunt.

38) Paper clips are more useful than:
George Bush

39) If I do anything well, it’s:
See the big picture.

40) And by the way:
Go Fuck Yourself …. And have a nice day
(The new motto of New York City)

Dumpster Diving Days or NYC On $4 A Day.

2005-05-18T17:11:00.000-04:00

Ok, due to popular demand, I will elaborate on my “Dumpster Diving” reference. For those of you not from the NYC/Metropolitan area, you have to understand that Dumpster Diving, is like an Olympic event here in the Big Apple. One man’s trash is another man’s armoire, particularly if you are in the West Village, but that in itself is a whole other blog. Anyway, there is no shame in routing around in someone else trash pile because once it hits the street, it’s up for grabs. I found 5, antique 6 panel doors for my house in the dumpster around the block. The folks renovating that house just chucked them, Solid core 100 year old doors … Their loss. So you see Dumpster Diving isn’t necessarily a gross, stinky proposition … not always …

However, the tale I am going to tell is not quite as quaint as all of this. First we have to roll back the clock – It’s May, 1993. The theatre season in NYC is winding down (and the indie film industry in NYC doesn’t really exist yet). I am still just a freelance theatre / film electrician. When there was work, I worked all the time, but when the season ends, it gets pretty thin. This was a particularly slow year. So, mid year I took a job working in a lighting rental house down in the meat packing district (that’s Washington & 14th Street for those of you who are unfamiliar with area) this is basically the northern most tip of the West Village. The good news was, that I was making enough money to basically pay my rent (half of $450/month) which got me and a buddy of mine a 1 bedroom 5 floor walk up on the Lower East Side. It is incredibly trendy now, back then, not so much. So my meager salary left me about $20/week after rent. Things were thin. The bad news was, the foul stench of hot rotting meat was rather unpleasant.

So, I was basically working exactly, diagonally across town (almost river to river) from where I lived. The other important piece of information you need to know is that the NYC Subway reeks in the summer and the station at 1st Ave & 1st Street (my stop) was the worst in lower Manhattan. Something akin to a gigantic urinal. Very often I would choose to save the $1.25 (yes it was $1.25 back then) and walk home, particularly if it was nice out. Now, the thing you have to understand is that I was not alone. Most of my friends at the time were surviving in the same tax bracket and every dime saved was a dime that could be spent on beer.

Right about now you are thinking “Enough already, tell us about the dumpster diving.” Ok. I am getting to it.

What we, a cadre of virtually unemployed theatre technicians did to ensure that no one went hungry was to develop a system of survival known as “NYC on $4 a day”. There are many ways to get by without cash in NYC if you are smart.

Exhibit #1
One of the big bonuses of working in the meat packing district was that there were dumpsters full of discarded cow shanks that still had huge chunks of meat on them. Of course the foul stench of the meat packing district during the humid months of July and August is enough to make you gag. However, the trade off of actual meat on a regular basis was well worth it. We closed at 5:30pm, the meat packer were done by 4pm and sanitation didn’t show up until 8 or 9pm. So I would grab a garbage bag and run across the street. It took some scrounging but I always managed to find that one shank that still had a meals worth of meat on it and the flies never get down that far …..
While the quality of the meat wasn’t filet, cut up into pieces and cooked for a while it made a fine stew. Very “Sullivan’s Travels” <---(obscure film reference for those of you paying attention.)

Exhibit #2
New York is known for it’s gourmet food stores and the village is chock full of them. Well as every good scrounger knows, Thursday is free pasta sample night at Balducci's. Yes, they actually give you cups of pasta and gourmet sauce to sample while you are shopping, in hopes of getting you to buy some. Not to mention the cheese counter where they will always let you sample a hunk of your favorite stinky foot cheese. The bread counter always has sample bits in a basket and the dessert section always has little bits laid out for you approval. It’s almost like a 4 course meal. That’s just Balducci's. There were other stores on other nights.

Exhibit #3
The illegal Hindu butcher. Downstairs and around the block from my apt on the Lower East Side there was a Hindu butcher shop. However, it wasn’t a legal butcher shop. I am sure that the things that went on in their would have gotten the owners and employees deported, forget about closed down. But, what they did have was a whole chicken (well a very scrawny whole chicken) for $2. So for half my daily disposable income I could purchase a chicken that usually didn’t make me ill. I would cook the whole thing and then douse it in Frank’s Red Hot to kill anything that wasn’t yet dead. Haute Cuisine this was not….

Exhibit #4
B&H Bagels. – The day old bagels that get dumped by them at the end of the night (around 11:30pm) were perfectly fine after you toasted them. I would fill up a back pack full of them and throw them in the freezer. Frozen bagels …. Yum…

Exhibit #5
Last but not least – the thing every college student and starving artist develops a taste for early on…. Ramen noodles. Yep, It’s not great, it might not even qualify as food, but it is filling, cheap and readily available.

Looking back now, these things make me smile. But at the time … Actually it made me smile then also. I have always been a survivor and adventurer.

Of course now I have a proper house, wife and child. It would be bad form to go dumpster diving now … unless there was a really cool wrought iron chandelier in that dumpster of there……

B&B Production Journal - Installment #3

2005-05-16T16:42:00.000-04:00

I know you are all eagerly waiting for the next installment in the B&B unpleasantness. Well here goes
Nothing.. Not a goddamn thing. It seems everyone is at Cannes so I guess the rest of the world just stops. So there has been no progress made and we are no closer to a green light go date. In fact right now there is no way we can shoot this summer. August at the earliest and more likely September. At this point I really dont care. The re-writes they have forced us to do have turned my quirky little indie character driven comedy into just another stupid, shallow waste of time. At this point I would rather just pack it in and move on to the next project. And I just might have one. But as I clearly dont enjoy working, I will mention the new potential project here to ensure that it doesnt happen

One of my best friends, over there across the pond has decided that what he would really like to do is adapt a book that he has loved for going on about 25 years. He turned me onto it about 10 years ago last time I was over there, and I was hooked, So out of the blue two weeks ago he called me up and suggested we collaborate on this project. So, over memorial day weekend (Actually Thursday thru Tuesday ) I am going to hop on over the pond back to Briney, have a decent pint of bitter, a steak and kidney pie or 6, and just maybe start writing a new script to be shot over there in London. I must say, I am little excited about getting back over there even if it is for just a couple of days. Up until about 10 years ago., I spent a lot of time there. I came to realize its the only other place I could live outside of NYC. Sad but true.

Of course the minute I get involved in this new project, B&B will get a green light and screw up my world completely. Should I be complaining about all of this? Probably not. I certainly have it pretty good. Gone are the lean days of my youth, living paycheck to paycheck and dumpster diving for dinner (I'll save that one for another blog). However the psychological stress of not being able to plan my life farther than a month or two ahead really takes its toll on me and my family.

Stay tuned.
Jesus is coming ... Look Busy.

Nothing Like A $250,000 Cigar!

2005-05-10T09:47:00.000-04:00

Did you know that if you, an American citizen or permanent resident of the US, buy a Cuban cigar in some other country, you can be fined up to $250,000 and up to 10 years in prison? Yep, you have now broken a law signed by President Bush in 2004, sponsored by the Dept. Of the Treasury, Office of Foreign Assets control. I bet you didn't hear about this one did you? Of course not. It was signed in some back room in the West Wing. If you don't believe me check out "Cigar Magazine" Spring 2005 edition, page 16, tobacco News. Now, I am not a cigar smoker, but I am an American and it causes me great concern that the government has passed a law without telling anyone that controls what I do legally in another country. Shall we also be arrested for going to Bull Fights in Spain? For sampling the occasional Space Cake while engaging a prostitute in Amsterdam? For drinking absinthe in Romania? Or worse, If you were born in Antigua, came here for work, became a permanent resident and then went home to visit your family, the Govt. Of Bush can throw you in prison for lighting up a $5 Bolivar in you native homeland.
This is serious. They weren't satisfied regulating your life here, now they want to tell the rest of the world what they can and can not do.
Remember, the Republican Party is the party of smaller Govt.
MY ASS.
Have e a nice day.

The Glamour of the Biz

2005-04-24T21:53:00.000-04:00

The joys of the film biz are never ending. Last minute script re-writes and more last minute buisness crap than you can shake a stick at. So we are waiting for an OK on the final script and then probably a quick trip out to LA next week to sign our lives away. We have also just lost two of our main actors due to schedule conflicts and personal commitments. So now it is also back to the drawing board as far as casting goes. They say the journey is half the fun.

NOT!

Hopefully next week I can start being funny again. These people have sucked the life and the funny right out of me....

B&B Production Journal Installment #2

2005-04-13T22:28:00.000-04:00

Well ... A day early but it looks like we are at 1st and Goal for the movie money. I got a call from "L" this afternoon. She heard from "B" in LA and the money is a go and we should have our bond on the 22nd. Barring another Tsunami or Terrorist attack we should be in Production the first or second week of June. OF course that means that pre-production hell will begin roughly 4 weeks from now. I shouldn't complain. Hell I shouldn't even be talking about any of this because our past track record with regards to raising money pretty much resembles man's first attempts at flight.

Lots of crashing and burning.

Hopefully not this time.

Fingers are crossed and candles are lit.....

Happy Battle of Appomattox Court House - Day

2005-04-09T22:12:00.000-04:00

How many folks out there knew that 140 years ago today Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House Virginia, which, for all practical purposes ended the War Between the States or The American Civil War as it is commonly called.
Over 600,000 Americans gave their lives (that's on both side folks) fighting for causes they believed in. Over 1.2 million men fought in that war.
For my money, the conflict that began on April 12, 1861 and ended almost 4 years to the day of those first shots being fired on Fort Sumter, are some of the most important in our history as a country. Unfortunately, this stuff isn't taught in the schools anymore. They spend 4 days on the Civil War.

Day 1 - Abraham Lincoln is elected President
Day 2 - The South secedes from the union because they don't want to give up their slaves (is the over simplified or what?)
Day 3 - The Union Wins
Day 4 - Lincoln Frees the slaves and then is shot..... NEXT!

What is most important about the ACW (American Civil War) is that is was the ultimate test. That's right a test. Let me explain,

The American Revolution, everyone would agree is a pretty important event in our history. Let's face it without that when would we shoot off fireworks and eat burgers and dogs. (I kid here .... )
The Declaration of Independence and the Constitution all would agree are pretty important documents. so important that Dolly Madison thought to roll them up and send them out of the Capitol before the British could burn it down.

However ....

Had the South successfully seceded from the Union it all would have been for naught. It had only been 77 years since the Constitution had been ratified by all of the States and 88 years since the signing of the Declaration. This was a brand new country. This conflict was the test of this new experiment called Democracy. Nobody had ever attempted this. It was unknown territory. This was the first major bump in the historical road. If the Union failed, then Democracy failed.

Now, I understand all of the arguments regarding "States Rights" and I agree with some of them. I also believe that the majority of Soldiers who fought for the Confederacy believed they were fighting against Northern Aggression not for the institution of slavery (as most of them neither owned or would ever own slaves).

All of this aside, what this bloody and costly conflict accomplished was solely the unification of this country. The South has never gotten over the loss and the disaster that was "Reconstruction". And while it's nice to think that the war ended Slavery, the reality is that within 20 years the institution of slavery would have been eclipsed by the coming industrial revolution if for no other reason then economic ones. I am not saying that Slavery was not an abomination because it was. But the myth that Abe Lincoln was the great emancipator and that he freed the slaves needs to be put to bed. Again, this is a whole other piece of history.

My point here, despite all this historical drivel that some of you may find interesting, is that our history, yours and mine (If you are an American) is being erased by PC curriculums, poor understanding of history by our teachers and a general lack of interest by most of the population of this country.

Lets face it, Memorial Day is a day for BBQ's, Car Sales and 3 day weekends.

For most people the 4th of July is about fireworks and Beer. The date has no meaning. How many people do you know can name ten of the men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

Veteran's Day comes and goes with little fanfare at all. Presidents day is basically an advertisement for every Motor Company Sale of the year.

Well today, April 9, is about as important a day as any of the ones I mentioned. It is a day that ended a war that took more American lives than all the other wars we have fought put together. It ended a war that split this country to it's core and had brother literally killing brother. It was a war that tested the very fabric of what our founding fathers stood for against King George and his parliament and fought and died to give us.

On this Day 140 years ago, General Grant could have spanked the naughty "Rebels" by arresting and trying their officers as traitors. By imprisoning the entire Army of Northern Virginia (which at the point only had about 15,000 men).

But he didn't.

He gave parole to the entire army and made sure they were all fed and clothed for their long trip back South, Back Home.
He allowed the officers to keep their swords. He refused Robert Lee's sword, He gave them their dignity, He understood that this day, was a day for healing. The union troops were instructed not to jeer or cheer after the surrender. During the surrender, General Joshua Chamberlain saluted the Southern General John B. Gordon out of respect and it is still talked about to this day. They all understood what was at stake. They all understood that this was history.

It is a day that represents the very best of what we as Americans can be. That we are all Americans. Contrary to what some folks on the "right" would like to believe. We are all Americans. Proud Americans, Proud to live in the greatest country on the planet. Proud enough to point out when we think our country and government is going down the wrong path. That is what this day means. These men fought and died to preserve my right to disagree at the top of my lungs with the current administration. It doesn't make me un-American. It makes 100% American.
That's what today means.
God Bless The Union and God Bless America.

Same Planet Different Worlds

2005-04-06T09:29:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a rather bizarre experience that I felt needed to be written down. Whether or not you will find it interesting remains to be seen.

For the last 6 months or so, my band (see the Bikini Bottom Link on the side bar) has been like a nomadic tribe looking for an oasis. We have played in a number of rehearsal studios and each one has had it’s own brand of chaos and disaster.
- One was in such disrepair that the gear would literally fall apart around us.
- One was run by a moron who basically accused us of breaking equipment that was already broken when we walked in to the studio (him I nearly put in the hospital)
- The next one was a great studio out in the wilds of Brooklyn, and run by Rastafarians. Everything was great until we showed up two weeks in a row to find the studio locked and no answering machine on the phone. We think they were arrested. (there was quite a lot of Gangja being smoked in the booth)

Which brings us to last night. We met an interesting fellow through a Craig’s List ad who had a studio in Williamsburg Brooklyn. I met the guy. He was a little eccentric, a little nutty but he seemed like a nice enough guy. We talked a bunch and set up a time for the band to go over to the studio and rehearse for a couple of hours. We went over there and did a two hour rehearsal. If went fine. My singer “M” however had some mixed feelings about our “whacky” studio guy which I pretty much disregarded because the guy seemed like a nice enough guy even if he was a bit of a nutter and he wanted to work with us to do a recording. So…

For the last couple of weeks this guys has been calling me to check in to see when we were coming back to record. Finally after the last waste of a trip to the Rastas we decided it was time to go back to Williamsburg and give this guy a shot. So…

Last night we went over to the studio for a rehearsal session which would hopefully be a tune up for recording in the next week or so. Oh and I forgot to mention that during the day, he called me to tell me that if we wanted him to hang around and listen and give us comments he would have to charge us the recording rate instead of the rehearsal rate. I told him we couldn’t afford that right now so it would be cool if he just took off after he got us settled in. Well…

We got to the studio and he decided that he really had nothing else to do so he would hang around (at the rehearsal rate) and help us, but with one stipulation. We give him complete and total control over one song. Put our trust in him and do what he says. Now most folks who know me can pretty well figure out that I don’t do the whole “give up control, your going to tell me what to do” thing very well. But we acquiesced and let him play Zubin Mehta for a while. It only took about ten minutes. He told us what to play and we did it (even though I wasn’t crazy about the changes he was making) and then he told us to stop. Here is where it gets really bizarre.

He slowly walks over to his bed (oh yeah, this studio is in his apartment) and sits down very slowly in the corner. I wish I could remember verbatim the babble and drivel that came out of his mouth at the point. But it went something like this:

“I don’t know what to say …. I am feeling, uh … really bad … uh I don’t want to say mean things ….”

And we said “hey we’re big boys, we can handle it, go ahead. Tell us what you’re thinking.”

Now at this point I’m thinking that he isn’t happy with the way we are playing it and he is trying to come up with a different approach.

Nope. What he says is this (Imagine Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man saying this)

“Uh, I can’t work with you and uh.… you can’t work with me …. Uh you can’t uh play here anymore. You have to leave now…”

We had been there for exactly 8 minutes. As soon as that came out of his mouth I was already packing up my stuff. My bass player was stunned and my singer was amused but I was just ready to leave. Clearly this guy is unhinged and a complete whackadoo and we have had enough people like that involved with us that we don’t need anymore. It reminds me of a quote from the movie “As Good As It Gets” Jack Nicholson says to the Hispanic housekeeper “Go sell crazy someplace else, we’re all full up here”

Well I tried not to burst out laughing at this guy in the studio, so I packed up my sticks and walked outside to the car, where I actually burst into hysterics. So much so that I had trouble putting the key in the back door of the car.

I don’t want to know what was in this guys mind (because I don’t really care) but all of the posturing and posing in the world can’t cover up the fact this guy is off his rocker. In fact he wanted us to leave so quickly that he actually put on James Taylor in the hopes that we would exit in a timely manner. It worked. We couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I did however learn a valuable lesson last night:
Next time I want someone to leave, just put on a little James Taylor or Gordon Lightfoot.

Kind of makes it all worth while.

Time Warner - Kiss My Ass Goodbye

2005-04-05T00:27:00.000-04:00

So, I have my new computer for about a week now. It’s a monster. It’s fast, it has a huge screen for a lap top (17”) and weighs less than 6lbs. So you would think all my problems are solved all is right with the world. Well not so much….

Here in the Big Apple (and that’s all 5 boroughs for those of you who don’t live here) we have a crisis of commerce going on. The two companies that control what we watch on Cable TV are in a death match. Time Warner (Scumbag #1) and Cable Vision (Scumbag #2) have decided that this would be the perfect year to fight over broadcasting the MSG (Madison Square Garden network – They would be carrying the Rangers if there was a hockey season) and FoxSportsNet on which the NY Mets are normally broadcast.

Well, the crushing loss today not withstanding, this is supposed to be the beginning of the New Mets, Pedro Martinez, Carlos Beltran, all the off season hooplah but what do the die hard fans residing in the five boroughs get? BUPKIS!!!! That’s Yiddish for “Fuck all”. While Time Warner and Cablevision continue their dick measuring contest we have missed the entire pre-season and the first game of the season.

I absolutely despise the fact that we are being held hostage by these corporate fuck heads who could give a shit about us. Oh I forgot, Time Warner in it’s benevolence has offered a $2.00 a month refund for all the months without MSG and FoxSportsnet. Ooh boy, what shall I do with this windfall? Invest? Buy my mom a Cadillac? Nope. It only gets me a one way on the subway. The absolute sack on these guys is staggering.

So what to do?

They can all go fuck themselves. Tomorrow I am ordering Direct TV and Verizon DSL and telling Time Warner to take their slow ass cable modem and their pixelated digital signal and stick it straight up there network.

The big plus? I am saving about $20 a month from what I am paying now for TW and RoadRunner (should be called “Dog with no legs Runner”.

I don’t even care if the service is worse or better than TW. At this point it’s the principal of the thing. From what I understand there are tons of TW customers in the 5 Boroughs jumping the TW ship. These corporate rat bastards only understand dollars and the bottom line. If more people shit canned these bums they might get the idea that they can’t screw with us when the whim hits them.

But most people, like sheep, will just sit, collect their $2.00 a months and wait patiently for stations that aren’t coming back anytime.

Not Me….

Bow Down before iGod - The God of Technology

2005-03-29T13:16:00.000-05:00

How heavily we do we rely on technology?

People always ask this question and everyone shakes their heads, waves their ipods and blackberries in the air and says "A whole lot". But, do we really appreciate the extent to which our lives are tech dependent?

Well last night about midnight, I got my techno-nightmare wake up call. For no reason that I can figure out my computer decided to eat itself. Yep, one minute I was sitting there reading an on line forum, next minute, not a damn thing, My computer had reset itself to the day I bought it in 2002. Every file was gone and my email was not set up. Now contrary to popular belief, I am not terribly skilled when it comes to doing things on a computer other than writing. So needless to say, I pretty much shit myself.

Doing what I do, means that at any given time there are a number of scripts in assorted states of completion as well as project budgets, contact lists and other assorted bits of information that being a filmmaker requires I have at my finger tips. It was all gone and from where I was sitting, it was never coming back.

At the behest of my wife who is a computer programmer, I did back up all of my work files onto disks at the end of January. However the most recent work I did this past weekend (the re-write on our current project) was gone with the wind as it were.

So after not sleeping a whole hell of a lot last night I got in touch with my partner “P” who is a computer guy (more importantly a Mac guy) and together with his buddy who is a Mac specialist, we managed to find the files my computer choose to move somewhere else and avoid the aneurism that was fast approaching. So now I have backed up EVERYTHING on to seperate discs.

I believe this was the warning shot across the bow telling me my overworked and abused iBook is not long for this world. Next time it gets personal . So I am planning on purchasing a new PowerBook in the next day or so.

This whole thing got me thinking. Before our lives were tied to computers and electronics by this all powerful wireless umbilical cord what did we do? Well I have a vague recollection of carrying a notebook with me everywhere. Dating and writing things down that I might need to know later and then storing away those notebooks when they got full. Of course the danger there was that if you lost the notebook all that info was gone. That is what made the computer so appealing. All that info was always in the computer. UNLESS IT GOES AWAY ….

I don’t know if I have a point. I do know that I am going to spend more time backing up my electronic life from now on.

Maybe even buy a new notebook …
A spiral bound one.

My Turn To Piss Off a Bunch of People

2005-03-26T13:58:00.000-05:00

Let the ranting begin....

How right is right?
I’m not talking about right leaning politics, though they are the main point here. No, what I am talking about here are people (left, right, religious, agnostic, aetheist) who are so sure they are right that they are incapable of seeing any other point of view but there own. So for the moment, let us replace the word “right” with the more appropriate word “Correct”. Right implies that you alone are right and it is your “right’ to inflict your rightness on other people. WRONG!

Well let me tell you something folks. NOBODY IS EVER THAT RIGHT.

As someone who considers himself correct most of the time, it takes a lot for me to admit this.

I have avoided commenting on the current unpleasantness in the news regarding Mrs. Schiavo. This is because my opinion means nothing. NEITHER DOES YOURS (unless you are Michael Schiavo and are reading this in your spare time).

However, there are people out there who are so sure what is right for this unfortunate couple that they are willing to break constitutional law to implement their views. What’s more is they often invoke God just to prove how “CORRECT” they really are.

God said so.

Really?

Well he didn’t mention it to me.

This past week we also had the unbelievably pathetic diagnosis of this poor woman by a Senator/Doctor who is so very talented (Probably touched by the hand of God himself) that he was able to contradict the countless diagnosis’ made by actual neurologists who were in the same room as the patient at the time. How “CORRECT” do you think this guy thinks he is.

Admittedly I believe that the "political right" and "religious right" tend to believe they are more right than most, because God said so. President Bush made a special trip back to DC to poke his big old cowboy nose in the Schiavo matter. Clearly he was very concerned that to let this political opportunity go by would not be what the Lord would want, Clearly his priorities are in the right place. Along with his brother Jeb, they know what’s best. Or do they? What the heck is Jeb doing down there?

A little girl in Florida (Jeb Bush Land) was taken from her home, raped and killed by a low life scum bag sex offender out on parole from a previous sex offense. Why was the breathing pile of shit out of jail. Why wasn’t he castrated the first time he did the same crime. Why was this waste of human excrement out on the street? There is no valid reason you can give me that can answer that question. This sub human should have been put to death before he hit a jail cell. We are so worried about the rights of criminals well you know what? They are in jail because they are criminals. It’s not a hotel, it’s not a gym and it’s not a finishing school to become better criminals. (Well actually in some cases it is). Keep these fuckers in prison for ever. Sex offenders and people who commit crimes against children should be given 2 choices. Incarceration for life with no hope of parole EVER, or death. Either one would be fine with me. Once you have commited this kind of crime you have proven that you can no longer claim membership in society, Of course prison justice being what it is, most abusers of children don’t last very long anyway. Remember that sorry excuse for a priest? He lasted about a month. I bet this skel in Florida doesn’t last a week in general population. Where was Jeb Bush. Why wasn’t he personally involved in this case. Was God too busy to let Jeb in on this one? Or was there not enough political hay to be made from it.

I don’t care what God you pray to. I don’t care if you pray or if you don’t pray. I don’t care if you set yourself on fire in the name of Vishnu or run around the woods naked in praise of the “Goddess”. I don’t care. You know why I don’t care. I don’t care because it’s your religion. Not Mine. I don’t want your religion in my life thank you. I am not interested in hearing “The Good News” or “The Word of God” or why I need to accept Jesus into my life so I can go to heaven. Keep it to yourself.

There were a bunch of smart guys who wrote down some pretty clever rules about 250 years ago. They coverd all kinds of things. They were smart enough to understand that 13 different colonies were never going to agree on issues of religious ideology. It was for this reason, and this reason only that they clearly seperated church and state.

SEPERATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who are near sighted. Your religion is as unimportant as the color of your shirt. It’s your shirt. If you want to wear a shirt that say “I'm The Fonz” or “Dyno-mite!” on it, it is your right as an American. But you can’t force me to wear that shirt.

So, to recap - weather you are a Jew, Christian, Catholic, Protestant, Methodist, Puritan, Quaker, Shaker, Candlestick Maker, Rasta, Buddhist, Wiccan, Hindu, Voodoo, Lutheran, Amish, Unitarian, Jehovah Witness or Bob Jones' Cousin.

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! You’re not more right than the next guy and the louder you shout how right your are, the less right the rest of realize you are.

The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the oil, sometimes it gets a punch in the nose.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled amusing musings and observations.

When Did Life Get So Complicated Part II

2005-03-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

I was reading a blog from my friend Jen http://www.jenthemom.com - “When Did Life Get So Complicated?” She brought up an excellent point about the life choices you begin to make once you decide to have children, Please check it out (and the rest of her blog also). I think the key here is when in life you choose to make the commitment to have kids.

While many of my friends were getting married and having kids right of college I went my own way. This actually led to the ending of many of those friendships. You know the whole married couple w/ kids thing vs non married single friend thing, just doesn’t work. So, while they went off to get married, get real jobs (just like grown ups) and have multiple kids, I spent the next 10+ years living. There is little that I wanted to do that I didn’t at least give a shot.
I was working in the Theatre and Film industry. Playing in a band and basically my life was my own. I usually had a steady girlfriend of some kind. But most of them couldn’t handle the world of freelance employment, I don’t know where my next pay check is coming from (even though it always came).
I worked all over the country and in England.
I have lit the stage at Carnegie Hall (and got a big hug from Goldie Hawn for it – Loved that!) as well as Lincoln Center.
I have gotten trashed with celebrities (big whoop).
I have rode my Harley up and down the Eastern Seaboard.
I played drums in one of the biggest NY Hardcore bands and hated myself for it. I was also offered the drum spot in a famous Hard Rock band but turned it down in favor of NYU Grad School. I was almost a member of one of the most famous Punk Bands of all time, but at the last minute their drummer returned to the band.
I was thrown out of Ithaca College 2x and NYU Grad School (only one time there).

I never thought about kids because I never really wanted them.
When my wife and I got married (almost 9 years ago) the one thing we both agreed upon was that neither of us wanted kids.

YEAH RIGHT.

Once my sister had her first kid my wife’s biological clock went into overdrive. It was at that point our deal changed. I don’t know exactly the moment it changed, but the deal definitely changed, She wanted to have a kid. I didn’t. She won.
The only positive thing was that it took us over a year to get pregnant so I had a lot of time to come to terms with the idea.
Of course now I wouldn’t trade her for anything.
What I have found is that now at 39, I don’t really have a “things I want to do before I die list” because I have pretty much done it. So being at home with my 2 year old Daughter and working out of the house is really all I need (along with a few reasonable hobbies which my wife tolerates and some which she participates in).

I have never given it much thought ( I guess I have take it for granted that I have pretty much always marched to my own drummer, that's probably how I ended up being a director). But the path you choose is almost a blind choice and you hope for the best. I am always impressed and amazed when people are truly happy and content (I mean really happy not just settling) with what I consider to be a very sort of basic suburban life (This describes my whole family, some happy some not.) Spouse, Kids, two week summer vacation .... I grew up with that all around me but pretty much rejected it right out of the gate. I find the fact that now I have a house, a wife and a daughter a very surreal experience. I was always terrified that I would stop being "me". But that didn't happen. I realize it's not the institution, but the which choices you make. The right spouse is the key, It’s not looks, or money or any of that crap. You have to be with someone who doesn’t want you to be anything other than who you are. That never works (this much I know.) Once you have that, everything else falls into place and happens the way it’s supposed to.

Rest Stops – Feeding Pens for Sheep.

2005-03-20T22:02:00.000-05:00

OK, this is going to sound like a rant but it’s not. It’s just an observation.

This past weekend I made a little jaunt down to Virginia to attend a birthday party for a friend of mine. Now, while the trip from Brooklyn to Northern VA is not a terribly long one (4 hours) it is also not just a spin around the block. So unless you own the Jetsons’ air car you are going to need to stop and get gas at some point. Well luckily, the State has thoughtfully provided for you. Rest Stops are conveniently placed every 15 to 20 miles for just that reason. Ah but there’s more.

Once you have stopped and gotten your gas, it usually seems like a good idea to go inside the rest stop and have a rest stop of your own (you know just in case). However, once you cross that threshold you are entering a world far removed from reality. Logic, reason and intelligence are deposited at the door. This is evidenced by the glazed looks and dull expressions that appear on the faces of the hundreds of thousands of staggering zombies who wander from Cinnabun to Starbucks to Roy Rogers shelling out thousands of dollars for food which back outside in the real world would most likely cause prison riots.

Exhibit #1 – Roy Rogers. The 2nd to last rung on the Fast Food ladder (only slightly less nauseating than White Castle). For a small fortune you can purchase over cooked fried chicken which has been sitting under a heat lamp since Roosevelt was president (That’s Teddy). For the mere price of a small car you can sample the culinary delight that is the Roy Rogers burger selection. A 1/4 pound (or so they say) of the highest quality saw dust with 2 (count em “2”) strips of cardboard painted up to look like bacon, all resting so ever lovingly on a bun which has been trod upon by the Oakland Raiders. If this isn’t gastronomic bliss I don’t know what is. But there’s more…

Exhibit #2 – Cinnabun. Does the world really need a coffee roll that can stop your heart by just looking at it? Don’t get me wrong they are very tasty. That is not where the problem lies. If you take a moment to just watch what goes on over there it becomes painfully clear that the clientele of Cinnabun consists mostly of people who should not be eating Cinnabuns. They should be eating Cinna-Celery or Cinna-Watercress. It was like feeding time at SeaWorld. Shamoo and all his relatives were there for the free eats. Don’t get me wrong, I am no skinny minny and I am working hard to lose weight. Hence I am not eating Cinnabuns. Don’t these people have mirrors in their homes? Aha … it’s the alternative universe that is the rest stop that makes these people crazy. Oh yeah and Cinnabun coffee is vile (no joke there, just a fact). But why buy coffee there when you have Starbucks right across the food court.

Exhibit #3 – Starbucks. I will admit it. I like Starbucks. Yes $4.00 for a large cup of what is basically water and beans is a little outrageous. But it is damn fine coffee. That is not the issue. The issue is, TOO MANY CHOICES FOR BRAIN DEAD CUSTOMERS. Latte, Cafe Au Lait, Venti. The zombies are not capable of making these kind of decisions once they cross into the alternative rest stop universe. Starbucks is to far over the heads of these people. We need to simplify the process here people (notice I didn’t say “dumb it down”). COFFEE or TEA.

Now I don’t want anyone to think that I am making disparaging remarks about everyone who travels and stops at the rest areas, because I am not. Many a long journey have I gave thanks for that shining oasis that is the rest stop. It is a necessary amenity. But so is an out house. It is amazing what people will put up with and accept when they are weary from the road. Now for some people, the services available at the rest stops may be an upgrade from what they are used to. To this I can only say, “How sad”. To everyone else, I have to say “Wake up … move away from the Cinnabun stand, I can hear your arteries clogging from over here. Try some carrots … or perhaps a nice fruit cup..."

St. Paddy's Day - Oh How the mighty have fallen

2005-03-17T21:01:00.000-05:00

As I sit here with the latest round of flu like symptoms (contracted from my two year old daughter, AGAIN) I have had a moment to look back and reflect on 20+ years of St. Paddy’s Day’s Festivities. Having not actually been born Irish has never stopped me from participating in the holiday with the fervor of a loyal son of Erin. A little History first….
Both of my college roommates were Irish. One was actually born there and the other was not. Both were proud Irishman and between the three of us we were probably the three poorest students on that particular upstate NY college campus. However, we never let a lack of money get in the way of the one day (and I mean 24 hours) where we were all proud to be Irish. We would start planning how we would pay for this day long binge well in advance. Needless to say, we NEVER ran out of libations on St. Paddy’s Day. That just would have been bad form.

At midnight, as the 16th turned into the 17th we would tap the ceremonial Green Keg of Pabst (I didn’t say we had a lot of money). There was usually some pomp and circumstance (along with really bad Irish accents) as we toasted ourselves, our friends present and absent as well as friends of friends, cousins, TV repairmen, The Pope, Walt Disney, Columbo, Moe Larry, Curly and Shemp. Thus would begin a continuous flow of beer that would last until Midnight (actually 1 am when the bars up there closed) of the 18th. At which point the hurling/blowing chunks/puking would commence. All for the cause!

I pretty much carried this tradition with me into my after college life (minus the throwing up, as much as I could avoid it). As I got older, the starting time would get a little later and the ending time would get a little earlier. Last year, We started around 3pm and called it a night around 11:30pm. Still a hefty chunk of time, but the drinking was much slower and the conversation much more adult.

So here I sit now, having not consumed a single beer, in fact I didn’t even leave the house today due to my infectious state. There is part of me that misses the olds days, It’s not the drinking though. It’s the camaraderie that we shared. Point of fact, those days ended a long time ago. But, to all my friends, comrades, buddies and pals….
Erin Go Bragh…. SLAINTE!

B&B Production Journal Installment #1

2005-03-15T09:56:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Ok. I am know killing any chance of this film being made. I know that I should wait until we actually have a green light, but so much has happened already, that if I don’t start writing some of it down now, it will be lost for ever. That being said, if it all falls apart, some of you just might be entertained by this little glimpse into the sinister world of Independent Film.

So this is the first installment of my production journal for my next feature film "Beds & Breakfast". You can check out the production details at http://imdb.com/title/tt0403870/. They won't all be this long.

Welcome to my own personal Hell.....

The Players:
Me – Writer / Director
“P” – Writer /Producer (My Biz Partner, Best Friend, Godfather to my daughter, the guy who keeps me out of jail …)
“TC” – Executive Producer in New Orleans
“L” – Executive Producer in NYC

I am told that on April 14th we are going to have a $1,000,000.00 (yes that’s one million for those of you who get blinded by zeros) assurity bond in place that will guarantee a loan, that will finance 75% of our film. The other 25% will come from a secondary source which is called gap financing. If the stars align and this actually happens, we could be looking at a June shoot in Asheville NC.

Now, this point has been a long time coming and it hasn’t happened over night, I will do my best to make the backstory brief.

Our original Executive Producer down in North Carolina tried very hard to get this film financed but just did not have the juice to get it done. This is not unusual. Funding a film at any budget level is no easy task. She tried but failed. Around the time it was looking like we had run clear out of funding possibilities down in North Carolina, I got a call out of the blue from a guy who I had not heard from in years (Literally 5 years).

“TC” is a mover and a shaker in and out of the movie business and he is based out of New Orleans. He was flying into NYC the next day and was wondering what I had been up to. He still had two of my old scripts with him and was trying to get a slate of movies financed. As if sent by the hand of God to assist us and lift us out of the muck that is Independent Film Finance Implosion, he jumped right on the Beds project (as we had everything in place and could pull the trigger immediately).

So, the next evening, after a few poolside drinks downtown on a trendy West Village rooftop and a superb Steak Dinner at Smith and Wolensky (all on “TC” I might add, which is a good thing because I had about 12 bucks in my pocket if I remember correctly) we had a new Executive Producer who basically threatened to get this movie made one way or another. Some things did change though.

In the time between the drinks and dinner (roughly 45 minutes) the budget had jumped from $500,000 to 1.3 million and all of a sudden it looked like “P” and I might be able to pay some of our bills and maybe even make a buck or two. I went home after dinner and implemented the changes into the budget that “TC” had recommended. “TC”, I believe went downtown to meet a major blonde with huge …. Well you know….

Fast forward to October. “TC” has brought “L” on board also as an Executive Producer and together they are going to take Beds (as well as Atlantic City Serenade) to AFM. So, we rush around getting materials ready for the market and “TC” and “L” head off to LA. Lots of talk lots of interest, then begins the waiting game. Who wants to be the first to jump into this pool. We have interest from the HERE Network. They are the new Gay Network on the block and as we have a gay couple prominently featured in our story, they are very interested. Which is quite a change as we lost money last year because of our gay couple in the story. “TC” and “L” meet with other potential investor types and basically get the project out there.

As it turns out, the HERE Network passes on funding the project because there isn’t enough “Gayness” for them. Go figure… But, they are interested in possibly acquiring the film after it is made for broadcast on their network. Ok, it’s not what we wanted but it’s something.

This brings us up to where we reside right now. We had been waiting since mid December for “TC” and “L” to speak with the Mysterious “B” (not so mysterious, as I understand he is a friend of “L”’s I was told by “TC” that “B” is very interested in financing not just Beds but a number of our projects. So, we have been waiting patiently for them to get together. Well … Last week they did. “B” has said that he will have the bond for us on April 14th. We shall see.

If I have learned anything in this business, it's that nothing is certain until the money is in your bank account. And it ain’t …Not yet anyway …

Network TV? Anyone? Anyone?

2005-03-14T21:28:00.000-05:00

Does anyone actually watch network TV? Tonight I practiced what is commonly known as an exercise in futility. For an hour (roughly 8pm – 9pm) I channeled surfed from 2 – 221 and there was fuck all worth watching. I mean nothing. Between the reality TV on half the network stations and the bad (and terribly un-funny) sitcoms that rehash the same jokes that weren’t funny when Polly Holiday said them on “Alice” or John Amos on “Good Times”. There hasn’t been a well written sitcom on TV since the second to last season of Seinfeld. What happened to Gary Marshall, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, Larry Gelbart and Norman Lear? These guys knew what was funny. There isn’t a producer on network TV today who has a clue what is really funny.

As far as dramas, most of it isn’t worth the what they paid the IATSE guys to stand around to watch it being made. The lone bright spot sitting solitarily atop the gigantic steaming heap of dramatic network garbage is “The West Wing “. It is probably the single most intelligently written show on network television. Quite frankly even it has had some moments where I wanted to hurl my recently devoured evening meal. While the writing is still quite good, it definitely dropped a notch or two when Aaron Sorkin left the show. However he did leave it in good hands and it remains one of the few watch-able shows on network. The rest of it is geared to halfwits and morons. The level of story is so one dimensional that you can read a book, play chess and write a thesis while keeping up with the integral “plot points”.

Answer me this. How many versions of Law & Order and CSI do we really need? The original versions of both series I have always found inspiring (though let’s face it, Law & Order has to be coming to the end). I tried to watch L&A Special Victims and the other one with Donofrio (who I do like as an actor) but the shows were un-watch able. As for CSI … CSI Miami doesn’t know what it wants to be. They have pretty much jettisoned the whole Crime Scene investigation thing and David Carruso is pretty much a Homicide, Narcotics, Missing Persons investigator who heads up a crime lab team … yes very realistic. I had high hopes for CSI NY (as a NYCer and Ex-EMT) not to mention a huge fan of Gary Sinise, who I believe to be one of the finest actors of this generation. I watched the pilot for 15 minutes and had to turn it off in favor of Dennis Farina’s entrance on Law & Order (the original). What a tremendous disappointment (Not Dennis, he rocks as always,) but CSI NY. What a pile of shite.

I could probably write an entire blog about how Reality TV is the herald of the end of civilization as we know it. You know, Bread and Circuses, Roman Coliseum, Most Dangerous Game but that’s been done to death. Just know this. If you want to gauge the state of network TV, just count the number of Reality shows in primetime. For every reality show that runs on one of the big 3 between 8pm & 10pm , Monday through Friday, that is one slot they couldn’t fill with quality dramatic or comedic programming,

Think about it next time you curl up with a pound of Orville Redenbacher’s extra buttered microwavable, non incendiary, slightly combustible, authentic, imitation popping corn and turn on “American Idol” or “Survivor - Newark”. You could be watching something good … but your not.

15 For Life

2005-03-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day (the one who moved to Florida). He was complaining about his job (and really hating Florida if you must know the truth). Right now his biggest complaint is that he has to report for school (he’s a teacher) August 4th. That means that he cannot attend a major event in the hobby that we both participate in. This will be the second year in a row. Last year was the same story but a week later. So he assumed this year he would be able to swing it. Then they just sprung this new earlier schedule on him. Well, me being the good friend I am, I said, what if you just tell them you ain’t gonna be there until the 12th. Of course he thought that was very amusing. I said, “Hey that’s what I would do.” He said “ I know, that’s why you’ve never had a real job for more than a couple of months.”

I started to think about that. He was right. The longest “real job” I ever had (defining “real job” as one with regular hours which you are required to show up at every week) was about 6 months. It’s true. Most of my adult life since college, (which was a disaster in itself, we’ll save that for another blog), I have been working freelance jobs in theatre and film. Now granted, there is a whole slew of pressures that come along with that kind of life , not the least of which is where your next pay check is coming from. But you learn to deal with it.

So now, 6 months from turning 40, I realize that my job (if you can call being a filmmaker a job, I have always thought a job was something you had to go to, not wanted to) requires me to be 15. Now granted, I worked thousands of hours to get where I am for free and very low wages (the whole dues thing) and that was very grown up. But being a director requires being able to put all of that aside and be 15 again, At the end of the day, the project (what ever that happens to be) is my vision. Of course there is a tremendous amount of responsibility that comes along with that. Particularly when you are playing with other peoples money. I am as serious as a heart attack when we are on set. But for that brief time that we are creating, I get to be 15 years old and it’s all about me getting what I want.

Then my partner (the producer) tells me,
“Sorry, you can’t have it, it’s not in the budget” …..

Then I really feel like I am 15. I remember there was this BB gun I wanted ….

Much Ado About Keanu

2005-03-10T17:04:00.000-05:00

Ok, this has bothered me for a long time and now I have a place to really bitch about it. Kenneth Brannagh's "Much Ado About Nothing" could possibly be one of the best filmed versions of Shakespeare ever. I truly believe that few directors really understand The Bard better than Brannagh and he has a knack of translating that understanding to the screen on a regular basis. His casting is always inspiring (Jack Lemon and Billy Crystal in Hamlet for example).

"Much Ado" has an equally brilliant cast, many of whom are Brannagh regulars like Brian Blessed, Richard Briers and Imelda Staunton. I thought casting Denzel as the Prince was an odd but intersting and succesful choice, and as always Rober Sean Leonard shines as Count Claudio, almost type casting. Not to mention an actress who I have loved (and would give my right testicle to work with) since the first time I saw her in "The Tall Guy", Emma Thompson. She might very well be one of the top 3 or 4 four actresses of our time. The rest of the cast is filled out with fantastic British character actors, and lovely cameos by Michael Keaton as Constable Dogberry and Ben Elton as Headborough Verges. They were absolutely brilliant. SO....

WHAT THE FUCK IS KEANU REEVES DOING IN THIS MOVIE.

Now, having been in the film business for quite some time, a number of possibilities have occurred to me. Lets explore them shall we?

Possibility #1-
The studio (the guys who pay for everything) said to Our friend Kenneth,
"You may have the money to make your film but you must put Keanu Reeves in it."
"But why?" Kenneth asks confused.
"Because" the Studio president says with a look of disgust "No one wants to see this Shakespeare guy, and at least if we put Keanu in it, all the little girls will come out to see it and we might make a buck".

Possibility #2 -
Keanu heard about the project and quicky ran home and had his maid read the play to him. In his rather dull mind he saw himself as "John the Bastard" and this film would change his image and people might start confusing him with Olivier, or perhaps Oliver Platt....

Possibility #3 -
Kenneth Brannagh received a rather large concussion from and anvil falling on his head and thought it was a good idea...

It is probably safe to say that #3 is right out.

While #2 has reall possibilities, I don't thin Keanu could have even understood the play on his own.

That leaves us with #1. Once again and artist, filmmaker, director must compromise his vision to appease some block head in a suit who wouldn't know a good script or a quality project if it crawled up his ass, out his mouth and winked at him.

The only good thing to come out of it is that apparently most of Keanus scenes were left on the cutting room floor. So he is in the film for less than 5 minutes in total.

So, we are left with an A+ film, with 5 minutes of unwatchable footage, and a Shakesperean legacy, from a man who truly knows what Shakespeare is and isn't; that even Hollywood couldn't completely corrupt.

There, I've said it!!!!!!!

Things I have done - (this is the trend it seems)

2005-03-10T01:03:00.000-05:00

I am not going to say that these are things that I have done and you haven't. That is pretty arrogant and I have seen it on a number of Blogs. Though I would venture a guess that there are a few things on this list that many of you probaby haven't done. So Here Goes:
1. I Was a Guardian Angel in NYC
2. I Was a hard core biker
3. I Played CBGBs for the first time when I was 14(1979).
4. I Dropped Acid in Yosemite.
4a. And on the plane home (and consequently was tripping at my grandmother's funeral that next day)
5. I Was at Ground Zero on 9-11 (in the capacity of EMT)
5a. and a number of days after that.
6. Lighting Designed shows at Carnegie Hall and Lincoln Center
7. I Survived in NYC for a year on Meat Packing District scraps and free sample nights at Balduccis.
8. I was thrown out of Ithaca College as well as NYU Grad Design.
9. I watched the sun come up over the Mersey with a famous British Soap star (after a long night of drinking)
10. Shagged self same soap star in her flat.
11. I crashed the Sundance Film Festival - and started my own festival that same week - The NYCDANCE Fest. was a huge
success.
11a. I Dragged Lloyd Kaufman (of Troma Fame) into the screening of my film on mainstreet in Park City, Utah.
12. Got shit faced with Gregory Hines (He was truly an A1 human being).
13. I stood outside the Dakota on Dec. 9 1980 (it was a Tuesday and it rained)
14. I stalked Debbie Harry for a month in order to get her my script. She read it and loved it.
15. I have never stepped foot in Yankee Stadium (I am sure I will burst into flames if I ever do)
16. I went to my first Mets game when I was 3 years old.
17. The night the Rangers won the Stanley Cup, I was in a van with 5 other guys coming home from a job and I stopped the
van in the middle of the intersection of 42nd St. and Lex so I could get out and call my dad on a Pay phone.
18. I have driven from NYC to Montreal and back in one day just to get a case of good beer.
19. I had brunch at the Ritz-Carlton in New Orleans with a well known Hollywood Actress while having the worst hangover of
my life (and that's saying something)
20. I married the greatest woman on the planet (which by itself is an accomplishment) and together we produced an
amazing daughter.

So, that's it for now. I may ammend the list if I think of (or can remember) anymore good stuff.

Friends

2005-03-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

One of the many movie lines that has stayed with me for a long time comes from the film "Stand By Me'. It's the last line of the film. Richard Dreyfuss is finishing up his book and he speaks as he types " I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" I have been thinking about this recently.

Within the last year two of my close friends moved out of state for various reasons. One to Florida and one to Arizona. The one who moved to Florida (we'll call him Ghengis) I have known since I was 18 (that's 21 years to you and me) and the one who moved to AZ, we'll call him "P", I have only known a short time (about 5 years) but we became fast and close friends. When you are younger (high school, college, early twenties) you have lots of friends and people come in and out of your life, the impact isn't that big. As you get older, you have fewer and fewer true friends. Peopls move away and you don't get really close to many people. You have your own family and your own personal "Stuff" so who has time for real "freindships". So when they do happen, you kind of take it for granted that these people are in your life and will always be.

My buddy Ghengis and I have a lot of history. 21 years of madness and mayhem. We lived 42 years in those 21 and he was my best friend for many years. Even if we didn't speak for weeks or months it didn't matter. When we got together for a beer it was buisness as usual.

"P" is a different story. We became friends through as mutual hobby and were very tight. He is the kind of guy who will go out of his way for anyone and someone who you can rely upon to be there for you in times of crisis. He was with me when my wife went into labor. He made sure that everyone who needed to be at the hospital got there (in Brooklyn, many folks don't have cars, "P" has a big car) and was with my folks in the waiting room. He has baby-sat for my daughter and bailed me out of trouble a number of times.

The crazy thing is that both are just a phone call away. But it's not the same thing. It screws up your equilibrium. There is no, "let's go get a beer" or come on over and we can shoot the shit. Those are the things you miss.

When we were kids, we thought we would have the same friends for ever. The bubble was burst right after graduation. I found out that none of my high school friend were destined to remain in my life. In fact, my best friend from high school, went away to school (we all did) and wrote us all off. We never saw him again.

There's no real point being made here, just an observation. Friends come and go, so enjoy them while they are here. When they're not, use the phone. It's not the next best thing. It's just the only thing.

Widgets in the news

2005-03-09T11:49:00.000-05:00

I am a history buff. I can't help it. I am more interested in things that happened over a hundred years ago than what happened yesterday or what is going to happen tomorrow. So here is a history related story that on the surface, has some important historical information ... and then the worm turns....

No Sign Tutankhamun Murdered, But Mystery Unsolved
By Amena Bakr

CAIRO (Reuters) - A three-dimensional X-ray scan of Tutankhamun's mummy found no evidence to support theories he was murdered but failed to solve the 3,000-year-old mystery of how the young Egyptian pharaoh died.

The team thinks it has found Tutankhamun's penis, which was present in the 1920s but had gone missing by the time of an examination in 1968. "Although they cannot be certain, the team believes that they have located (it) ... loose in the sand around the king's body," the report said.

My question, how did he lose it? Was it cut off by his estranged wife while asleep. then she tossed into the pyramiad while driving by in a chariot? It's kind of sad that Old Tut has spent these all these years "un-manned" as it were. Not to mention the after life. Having to sing with castrate in choir invisible. All the really angels no he isn't packing anything so he never gets to go home with the really hot seraphim. The man was the ruler of the most powerful nation of his time. Now reduced to a dickless, high voiced retainer .... Oh the humanity....

And then there is this little gem.....

Another man cuts off penis, eats it!

From staff writers
March 08, 2005

From: NEWS.com.au

A 40-year-old man is recovering in hospital in The Philippines after cutting off his penis and eating it.
Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."

The incident is not the first time a man has severed his own penis and devoured it.

In 2003 a Malaysian man cut off his penis and fried it up before making a meal of it.

The man heard 'voices', probably caused by taking hallucinatory drugs, which urged him to mutilate himself.
Advertisement:

Additional reporting by The Australian

I love the Headline "Another man cuts off penis, eats it". This is not the kind of thing you would consider a unique event. Well, I guess not. Did he sit there and fry it whil bleeding profusely from the crotch? You would think that the excrutiating pain of having your johnson cut off would detract from the whole dining experience. I know the last time I had a paper cut and ate some Buffalo Wings, that was some serious pain. But this ... I don't even want to contimplate it ....

Safety tip of the day: KEEP YOUR WIDGETS SAFE AND OT OF HARM'S WAY - IT COULD BE STOLEN OR EATEN...

These are the things you need to know in our modern age ....

Why New York is not in the midwest (or anywhere else)

2005-03-08T03:12:00.000-05:00

5 reasons why I try not to leave New York that often....

1. BEIJING, March. 7 -- Some U.S. lawmakers want to make sure the twinkle in your eye doesn't come from jewelry.
Repulsed by a body modification offered at a Dutch institute — where tiny metal hearts and half-moons are surgically embedded in the whites of the eye — one lawmaker has proposed banning the practice in Illinois.

-Come on. Are you telling me they have nothing better to do in the Illinois Senate than to control what you put in you own eye? Your tax dollars hard at work there folks....

2.Smelly Readers Banned From Calif. Library
SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. - A new county law aims to keep readers from reeking. Libraries in San Luis Obispo County have had their own rules banning offensive body odor since 1994, but the policy became law after the Board of Supervisors last month adopted an ordinance that lets authorities kick out malodorous guests.

- Though it's not in the constitution, I do believe that we the people have a right to reak, stink. emit noxious and otherwise repulsive odors without having our reading priveledges taken away. Granted, a truly foul smelling reader could put you off your double half caf soy latte....

3. DE PERE, Wis. (AP) - For most people, PEZ is just a candy. But Barry Umbs calls his addiction to collecting PEZ dispensers "a bit of an illness." Umbs, an engineering manager for Rockwell Automation in Milwaukee, joined some 60 other self-described "PEZheads" at a convention in De Pere on Saturday.

- What more can I say about this one ....

4. Man Threatens To Blow Up Store Over a Pen
Bonner Springs, KS -- Explosive threats lead to a man hunt in Bonner Springs. Police there say they are searching for the person that walked into a Thriftway Store located in the 100 block of Oak Sunday morning just after 8 a.m. Police say the suspect tried to get a pen for free. When he didn't succeed, he reportedly threatened to come back with dynamite and blow the store up. Police say the suspect then tried to run over the store manager in the parking lot. Nobody was hurt.

- Bonner Springs, KS - Population 6,768. How much of a man hunt could it be. He is probably at the local Staples fondling the Pilot Felt tips. Of course the local Staples is 6000 miles away ....

5. SCHAUMBURG, Ill. A six-year-old boy has been suspended from a Christian school in Illinois after his mother refused to spank him. That's according to the mother. Michelle Fallaw-Gabrielson says her son had been piling up disciplinary notes for such offenses as talking out of turn, chewing gum, and bringing toys to school.

- I saw this one on the news. I felt really bad for the kid because all he wanted was to go back to his school and be with his friends. His mother on the other hand was very pleased at the prospect of being on TV. She was sucking up every nano second of her 15 minutes of fame. Oh those crazy Christians ... I think she is about to send him to a Rastafarian school. Mostly because of the hair....

In New York we have our share of whackadoos, hoodlums, praranoid schizoprhenics and mallodorous malingerers. The difference between New York and everywhere else is that we don't make believe we like each other. We are annoyed by the annoying habits of everyone around us and they are equally annoyed by us. It is an equilibrum, a balance an "ego"system if you will, that has made New York the "city that never sleeps .... and is often cranky due to this lack of sleep" So come to NYC. We hate you but we'll take your money ... Oh yeah Kiss my .... oops!

Martha Stewart is getting out ... Whoopeeeeee

2005-03-07T04:17:00.000-05:00

Three Steps To Being Succesful:
1. Use inside trading advice to dump stock that is about to tank.
2. Lie to a grand Jury about.
3. Spend 5 months in a "cupcake" prison
4. Never wear white after Labor Day.

I am amazed. Truly amazed. How is it that this woman broke the law, then lied about it, got caught and is going back to her perfect life no worse the wear. Talk about a broken system. There are guys doing 5 to 10 years, (that's years people) for minimal marijuana busts because of the Rockafeller laws here in NYC, but Martha is getting away with a little slap on the behind. If you thought she was smug before just watch. She will soon be marketing a new line of prison cover-alls (in the pe-requisite fluorescent orange) to go along with her towel collection at K-Mart. She will be giving hints on what to get that special cell mate for your anniversary and how to keep your "prison bitch" happy.

I am disgusted by the whole thing. Martha is getting out, Wacko-Jacko is going in and Kobe paid off his "alleged accuser". I thought we shook off the yoke of King George 300 years ago and did away with the class system at the same time ... NOT SO MUCH! We have an upper class and they rarely have to pay the price for their actions. Wynona Ryder shoplifts and walks, Countless celebraties wrap their respective vehicles around trees, telephone poles and the occasional living room and nothing happens even though they are so drunk they don't even know their own names. If anyone one of us did anything even remotely resembling these things, we would be doing serious time.

But this is America. Land of the free, home of the hypocrites.

Good Luck Martha, i know you don't need it. You have something better. And that's a good thing...

Wind Chill Wind ChillWind Chill

2005-03-04T00:49:00.000-05:00

I realize this Blog may be taking on a slight weatheristic feel but that can't be helped. Let me explain....

I walked outside this morning to repair the rear view mirror that fell off my windshield last night on the way to band practice. Why did the mirror fall off the windshield? I have no idea. It's never happened to me before. Has it happened to you? Probably not. It's not really the kind of normal wear and tear that occurs on your average mini van. There I am, driving down 4th Ave and I go to look in the rear view mirror (as I am wont to do when changing lanes) and low and behold, it ain't there. It's on the floor. How the hell did it get there? Was it so cold during the Monday night blizzard that the mirror just said "Screw this, I'm out of here?" I don't know, but there it was laying on the floor and I nearly got clipped by some idiot in a yellow Hummer (how I feel about idioits in Hummers is a whole other blog topic).
Anyway.... I digress.

So I go outside this mornig to put the mirror back on my windshield only to find that the weatherman has done it again. I specifically checked the weather before going outside to ensure that I was dressed appropriately. The weatherman was very clear, thirty six degrees, no mention of wind chill. Great! I think to myself, I'll just put on my sweat shirt and go out and take care of business. WRONG!!!!!!!!! It was freakin' freezing out. Why was this? It was freezing because there was an 800mph wind chill. No mention of the wind chill by the genius on the radio. I could have killed him. A friend of mine once suggested that each time a weatherman gets it wrong, they should have a finger cut off. There should be a tiny little Guillotine on the desk. Maybe this would make them think about being a little more accurate when reporting the local weather. (I can dream ....)

Ultimately, it was too cold for my sweatshirt and it was his fault. I think he owes me some sort of an appology. Perhaps a nice fruit basket.
This is New York City .... Like that would ever happen.

And Then It Snowed

2005-02-28T15:30:00.000-05:00

You ever notice that the moment a snowflake falls from the sky, people lose their minds?

You would think they just got a bulletin over the radio "Aliens coming, you must stock up on Dinty Moore..."

They rush to the supemarket and buy more canned goods, milk and water than any one family could possibly consume in a month.

Snow happens people. It happens every year. Sometimes more, sometimes less but it always shows up some time between November and March. So why the big to do? Not too mention the fact that it goes away just as quickly, (assuming you live a reasonable distance from the equator) Antarctica not withstanding. So they rush around like headless chickens, preparing for this foreign matter that is falling from the sky. And how do they do this?

In a CAR ...

A heavy steel machine that quite often has a mind of its own. Even more so when the roads turn to freezing white sheets of slippery glass. This is just the time you want panicky people driving like mad to snatch up the last cans of SPAM and Hormel Chili that the Stop and Shop has on it's shelf. What a sad eulogy it would be if you wrapped you car around a tree on the way to make this all important culinary purchase ...

"Here lies Gern Blansten, he loved canned meats ...."

But it's never that simple. Because they never go alone. They want to take a couple of us with them. So they blow through red lights instead of trying to stop. Or worse they try to stop, but when you are going 50mph in a 12mph zone and you jam on the brakes with snow on the ground, the car does the exact opposite of what you intended. It speeds up. Fancy that.... Better to stay home, lock the doors and wait for the Spring ....

... Of course then you have the rainy season. Umbrella anyone? ....

Random Thoughts In The Wee Hours

2005-02-26T15:44:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching the movie "Dummy" with Adrien Brody and Milla Jojovich. It was cute and amusing. I will not put on my filmmaker hat for this one. I will address this as regular person who knows very little about film.
Ventriloquists. What is up with them. Think about this for a second. You take a guy (or a gal, but lets say guy for the sake of argument), you take a guy, sit a block of wood on his lap and he basically talks to himself.

Now, (stay with me here, this is where it gets good) if this same person had, say a watermelon on his lap or perhaps a gravy boat, and started talking to it (and then making it talk back) you could assume with a modicum of accuracy that this person is a whack job and should be in a nice padded room where he can't do any harm to himself or the fine china. Swap out said gravy boat for a a block of wood with a mouth and we pay him to entertain small humans and old people.

Now here is the other interesting thing. I think ventriloquists tend entertain the elderly and the very young for one simple reason. Neither of them can really run away. They are pretty much stuck there. No hope of escape. And you notice that niether the elderly nor the extremely young ever call up the local ventriloquist union hall (or wherever it is they congregate) and say "Hey, we need Mr. Phips and Sparky over here right away!" No, it's always some 36 year old activities director or a parent in their late twenties. Not to mention the fact that as soon as the Ventriloquist shows up, said Activities Director and Parents make a bee-line for the break room or the back deck (respectively). They don't actually hang around to watch the psychopathic behavior taking place in the common room/TV room.

So tell me. What is the fascination? I mean, you know the dummy isn't alive. You know it's not talking. So basically you are sitting there watching this guy (usually in a bad suit and bow tie) making jokes and laughing at them. All I can think of is the awful ventriloquist in "Broadway Danny Rose". Barney Dunn. And as Woody says, "When they can't get an animal act they call Barney". At least Barney Dunn was funny, because he stuttered (perhaps that's cruel) but hey, show biz is brutal. Really it's enough already with the ventriloquists.

Now, let's talk about Mimes....